ST. PETER, MN–It’s that time of year again Gusties. The Freshman class are being pushed to new extremes and the upperclassmen are once again resigning themselves to their fate of returning to the campus latrines. Due to clogged pipes from Southwest to Sohre, Physical Plant has been forced to send yet another campus-wide email about the false promises of “flushable” wipes. To better understand the perspective of the desperate students who reportedly resorted to using torn-up strips of Once Upon A Potty posters, The Fourth Crown interviewed uncomfortable looking first-year Sammy Smuckles about his first month of experiences with “nature’s call” on-campus.

“It’s awful. What else can I say?” Sammy huffed. “They expect us to use those cheese-grated shreds of Kleenex that they call toilet paper and be happy about it?” Sammy also reported that he was not pleased that his admissions tour did not include a communal bathroom experience in Pittman, feeling as though he needed to get a feel for muffling uncomfortable body noises with coughs and well-placed foot-shuffling before that fall. 

The on-campus plumber Jim Kimberly, however, had a response to these critiques. “I’ll just say this. We don’t have the budget for any sort of Charmin ultra soft. You want us to coddle you? Well, not around here. You use Scott’s septic safe brand and you’re grateful your toilet water isn’t seeping down the hall right this minute, got it?”

Kimberly’s plumbing tales were indeed quite haunting. He spent several lengthy minutes listing off items he had pulled from the pipes over the years including overgrown goldfish skeletons, piles of contraband Gus Bucks, and most consistently, copies of the Weekly. As he wrapped up, Kimberly made one final plea to limit what was sent down the tube:

“What most people don’t know is that our sewage system connects and feeds directly into the pool. The swim team is already strange enough– we don’t need to be upsetting them with any soggy Domino’s boxes flowing into the pool when they’re practicing,”.

We here at the Fourth Crown would also like to impart one final word of advice for the first-years: simply don’t flush and you won’t have to worry about clogging anything ever again.