SAINT PETER, MN – Junior exercise physiology major Ashley Larson contributes:

I don’t know about the rest of you Gusties, but I think the Fourth Crown is pretty funny most of the time. Sure, they’ve dropped such articles like “How To Blend In At Your Super Bowl Party” and “Biden Spins Wheel to See Who He Invades Next,” but for every one of those articles, there’s usually another, much better ones like “Beloved Ted Running for President” or “Arbor View Declares Independence; Pres. Bergman Deploys ROTC Students.” Or so I thought.

See, I’ve been laughing at a lot of The Fourth Crown’s work recently, but that’s because none of the jokes that they’ve made have been at my expense. They’ve mostly been making fun of first-years, frat guys, and Becky Bergman. Recently, though, they went too far– they made fun of me. This is unacceptable, and the Gustavus administration must do something about this group of unfunny, low-life, untalented idiots who have done nothing but cause me personally tremendous amounts of grief and anxiety.

There’s always a line in comedy. And while the writers of this wretched satire blog are probably just a bunch of seniors being cynical assholes, they crossed that line when they made fun of me. They said I passed out in the flower bed at Three Flags and peed myself- I didn’t do that! But now everybody calls me “Little Diaper Baby” and I can’t get them to stop. They also used a fake quote from me where I said I had no regrets and I’d do it again- I never said that!! How are they getting away with this?!

I don’t know how we can get the wider campus community to understand that The Fourth Crown is only funny when they’re not joking about me, but it is something that must be done. But let me clarify- The Fourth Crown, most of the time, is funny. Reading the articles are one of the highlights of my Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoons. It’s just only funny when they’re making fun of other people, and not me! I don’t understand why people are calling me irrational for this.

And you know what sucks even worse? They’re the only option to get news on this campus, real or fake. What am I gonna do, read the Weekly? Yeah, right. That’ll be the day. For now, it looks like we’re stuck with this student organization. For now, unfortunately, it looks like me and many other students like me are just going to have to take solace in the fact that no one reads the full Fourth Crown articles anyways.