ST. PETER, MN – Gustavus students were shocked on Wednesday when they received an email from President Rebecca Bergman stating that this year’s fall break has been canceled. The email, entitled “Wednesday Moments,” would no doubt have gone unread except for a byline reading “No braking for breaks!” 

“We are excited to announce that fall break has been postponed until April!” the email read. “Enthusiasm for classes is brimming this semester, and we just can’t justify sending students home. I mean, look what happened in 2020 when you guys got a break? It’s just too dangerous. Besides, wouldn’t you rather celebrate fall by getting a spooky stomachache from the caf’s famous laxative-laced sweet potatoes?” 

Reactions to the email, however, were less than encouraging. One student ran screaming through the arb, threatening to “release the fury of the buffalo,” while another went straight to the art building to consume its lead-filled drinking water. Simon Spranklin, a first year, told the Fourth Crown, “It’s enough to make me consider dropping out and going to college back home in Iowa. And that’s how you know it’s bad.” 

However, Gustavus admin has created a loophole – if a student can prove that a break from school would positively affect their mental health, they may be approved to leave campus. Students seeking to do so need only fill out a form detailing a list of locations where they have had mental breakdowns, the name of their therapist’s childhood pet, the number of coyotes in Wyoming, and a video recording of their most recent encounter with a homeless man named Al. 

After completing the form, applicants will be directed to navigate a corn maze in search of the preserved kidney stones of Gustavus Adolphus himself. It is worth noting that only five of these stones exist, so applicants are encouraged to hurry. Those who are unable to complete the maze, meanwhile, will be snatched by Sandy and put to work in the caf, unpaid, over fall break.

As another caf worker, Ted, continues his election campaign against President Bergman, his staff has capitalized on this announcement to turn the tide of student opinion against the current administration. “At this point, it’s just too easy,” said Ted’s campaign manager, Bertie Wistwratch. “Here’s the deal – if you elect Ted in November, you’ll get the rest of the semester off. How’s that for an election promise?” 

While the President’s email promised an extension of spring break, inquiries about winter break were declined. At this point, all anyone can say is that students will be trapped on campus for the foreseeable future. So gear up, Gusties – and get ready for the long haul.