Politicians Unsure What to Do After Days of Rain Leaves Gustavus’ Political Positions Unknown

ST. PETER, MN– Politics are always a polarizing and difficult matter to discuss. They often divide the masses, as people wholeheartedly align themselves with an ideology that comes to define their very personality. Making the correct decisions is not always as easy as it sounds for politicians, and sometimes they are forced to actually do some thinking about others. Here at Gustavus, students have avidly worked to make this process easier for our beloved government friends by inscribing our own political inclinations on the ground using good-old-fashioned chalk. However, after a few days of some unfavorable weather, our politicians have been left completely clueless as all of their hard work washed away.

Politicians have long turned to the sidewalks of Eckman Mall when faced with a tough political decision. However, recent political suggestions have been erased after a warm front moved into the St. Peter area. With their go-to source for qualified political advice washed away, politicians frantically were searching for an alternative. “Damn rain, how in the world are we supposed to make rational decisions now?” exclaimed Congresswoman Angie Craig. “I have no idea what the public wants now, this has left us completely in the dark”. Politicians aren’t the only ones fuming about the recent weather complications. “When I write these messages on the ground in front of the Caf, it’s not because I want to seem important or relevant,” said first-year chalk influencer Shae Clumberton. “It’s so I can change the world, which is hard to do when one rainfall completely destroys my opinionated masterpieces”. 

Due to the loss of the worldwide source of sound political advice, various world leaders have been scrambling to think of ways to preserve the sacred messages in the future. The leading solution is to create a gigantic bubble around the entirety of Gustavus’ campus to prevent any pesky weather from interfering with the chalk’s wisdom. Based on Gustavus’ own tennis bubble, this would ensure that the chalk’s political advice not only would never be destroyed, but that it could be provided all months of the year. Another proposed solution has been to replace the chalk with chisels and hammers, which would allow for the creation of permanent engravings that could be referred to for generations to come. Regardless, Gustavus’ chalk messages will go on as a coveted and renowned source for undisputable political guidance, rain or shine. More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS