ST. PETER, MN – If there’s one thing old white men have in abundance– it’s the audacity. Or in other words, they’re dicks. And many Gustavus professors are no exception to this rule.

Now, of course, not ALL old, white men– and not ALL old, white male professors at Gustavus. We would NEVER lump an entire category of people together based on a couple of genetic traits that they share. Who would ever do that?

But the most recent social media trend of “cock carving,” “penis pruning,” and “dick dicing” that has already spread through many college campuses has found its way onto our doorstep here at Gustavus. 

In case you aren’t up-to-date on the trend which began on Tik Tok at Florida State University, “dick dicing” is the ceremonious act of removing someone’s (typically an old white man’s) penis for being a “dick.” (Not the balls, though, as it’s been said that “old white men who go around acting like toddlers throwing a temper tantrum don’t have those”). 

This involves a special sword that now many college students have begun to customize and carry around their college campuses. Similar to a katana, the blade is long and curved, and many students have even begun to name theirs!

“My roommate, who’s a MASSIVE Game of Thrones fan, named hers ‘Needle.’ It’s the one that got B’cott Sur’s dick last Thursday,” said one student.

After conducting extensive interviews with the students, one said, “Too many old white men have gotten away with being dicks for far too long, and some of the professors here at Gustavus are no exception . . . many use their privileged positions to bully and belittle their students.”

That was the “cock carver” of none other than Gustavus’ own art professor, Richard, AKA Dick, Narcourt.

“Some of the profs are nice people but horrible profs, like Professor Sur– he soaks up the fact that his exams are SO HARD, but now he sure won’t be anymore– but other profs, like Shan Stetka, are just horrible all around,” said one student who wishes to remain anonymous. 

Stetka was one of the first professors at Gustavus whose appendage was severed, and many students even fought over who got the opportunity to perform the act. 

“I heard he CRIED when they cut it off,” said one student. “Man, I wish I could have been there. All the worst ones are gonna be dickless by the time I get my sword.”

It seems that in the coming years, ensuring one has the proper tools to participate in “penis pruning” will be added to the checklist of college essentials.

Yik yak has filled with talk of whose dick to dice next, and after taking one look through “Rate My Professor” we can see the trend students are following. Rather than hitting the bars, students’ “Wild Weekend Activities” are now spent “cock carving.”

You can now find YouTube videos of how best to sharpen your sword and many Etsy sellers are providing custom decor for the hilts to really add some personality to this new accessory. Backpacks are even being produced with holsters for where these popular weapons go.

“If old white men can go around being dicks, they’re practically begging for their dicks to get cut off,” commented another student.

However, a group has arisen within the student body who claim that, “Owning a dick doesn’t make you a dick,” but other students counter that argument by stating, “Being a dick should lose you the privilege of having one.” And we all know that losing privilege isn’t something these men are too familiar with. 

Either way, some staff and faculty have gone into hiding, like Banthony Attendorf. No one has spotted him since the ceremonies began, but there’s a whole group of students eagerly awaiting a sighting.

“Finally, campus feels like a place where I can truly learn without the distraction of professors being dicks to me and my peers,” commented one student.