ST. PETER, MN – In a blow to students’ sanity, the Office of the Registrar announced Monday morning that class registration on MyGustavus would be discontinued. Instead, registration for Spring 2023 classes would take place on an entirely new platform, free from the fetters of modern technology: cuneiform tablets. 

The registrar’s email, which came at 2:18 a.m., explained that the lackluster performance of MyGustavus during recent J-term registration mandated a last-minute switch to the new system, which was described as “absolutely fail-proof.” J-term registration, which took place last week, was heralded by a plague of locusts, an Italian sub shortage, and the swim team’s terrifying invasion of the caf. 

According to the registrar, “those responsible for the J-term debacle have been beheaded and their corpses strewn across Eckmann mall, where the squirrels were more than happy to dispose of the remains.” In keeping with the traditional values associated with cuneiform writing, the registrar’s office stated that they would be reinstituting the Hammurabi code, a set of legal rules adopted around 1750 B.C. in ancient Babylon. Updated to fit the demands of life at a liberal arts college in the 21st century, the codes now feature several new rules, including:

“They that do not satisfy the prerequisites for a class shall be churned into ‘vegan’ crumbles for the caf’s burrito line.” 

“They that do not receive instructor approval shall be fed to Gus.” 

“They that miss their registration deadline shall be forced to join Greek life.”

“They that complain shall be castrated by Sandy and forced to crawl on their knees through the arb at midnight to beg forgiveness from the buffalo.” 

Student reactions to the new platform have been decidedly negative. “I just learned how to use MyGustavus,” said senior Snorri Stromboli, “and now they want me to etch my classes in a logo-syllabic script with a reed pen? Seems a bit archaic.” Unfortunately, Stromboli was stoned to death later Monday morning after declaring that “WebAdvisor was never really that bad.” 

Some faculty, however, have praised the decision. The Club of Crotchety Old Professors released a statement that said, “Kids these days aren’t being taught how to read or write ancient Mesopotamian script, and that’s a shame. We’ve really lost something, culturally.” 

While the world waits with bated breath to see how Gustavus handles the transition to cuneiform technology, one thing is certain: registration season will never be easy. But it’s comforting to know that this time, there won’t be any technical glitches. Probably.