CAMPUS NEWS

Bergman Re-Elected President in Suspicious Circumstances

ST. PETER, MN – With the 2022 election season over, 17th President of Gustavus Adolphus College Rebecca M. Bergman won a second term in the role. Bergman has become the second President to win an election after 2nd President Andrew Jackson was mistaken for the guy on the $20 bill. Claiming victory, she reiterated her platform of raising tuition and decreasing off-campus housing opportunities, but promising that now was “the time to reunite the college, regardless of whether I twisted your arm into voting for me or not.”

Bergman’s statement left many puzzled, including apparently defeated challenger Ted Rosenback, a former Caf worker fired by Bergman in an attempt to hurt his Presidential bid. In a statement released on YikYak, Rosenback allegedly wrote that the idea that he had lost the election was “laughable,” and promised to “return to campus with a mighty vengeance” while alleging that hundreds of ballots were illegally tossed out.

It is true that hundreds of ballots from Sohre, a building which overwhelmingly voted in favor of Rosenback, were discounted. However, the administration’s reasoning for discounting those ballots has caused some around campus to raise an eyebrow. According to Dean of Students JoNes VanHecke, a recent gas leak near Sohre caused residents to submit their ballots with trace amounts of sulfur, thereby making opening them dangerous.

“Yeah… that’s not… that’s not how any of that works,” said Sohre resident and chemistry major Cam Campbell. “This is just a very half-baked excuse to discount our votes and make Bergman the winner even though Ted was obviously far more popular. I mean, seriously, whoever came up with this whole sulfur idea must be really stupid. Like, is this election even real? I mean, come on!”

Rosenback has filed suit in response to the dismissal of Sohre votes, but as things stand, Bergman will be sworn in for a second term on January 20th by the ghost of Eric Norelius, who will have to stop rolling in his grave in order to be present for the event. As the lawsuit moves through the legal system, more updates will follow.

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