ST. PETER, MN.– It’s November on the hill and students are beginning to feel a sense of dread and preemptive frustration as the housing process creeps closer. This year, adding to these fears are promises (read: threats) of updates to “the residential situation”. These changes began Monday as residents of the dorms formerly known as Pittman and Sohre began the process of moving in together. 

    “We’re really excited about this new housing situation and think it could attract a lot of new meat,” said an unnamed residential life staff member. “The …cozy living situation of Pitt-Sohr is based in our Swedish roots. More specifically, the lidandehus model.” It appears that Residential Life is doing little to conceal the fact that the lidandehus model was a type of confined living used for medieval Swedes who committed violent crimes. The spokesperson continued, “It’s just a wonderful way for the students to connect. Plus, it kind of seems like no one wants to go here anymore so we decided to try literally anything we could think of.”

“Humanitarian groups are starting to get involved.” says Pitt-Sohr resident Hannah . “I’m pretty sure President Bergman wouldn’t keep her goldfish in this small of a space for fear of stunting its skeletal growth.” Even the sink that used to be so precious to the first-year residents is now used to revive students that have lost consciousness due to a spike of body heat that keeps the dorm building temperature hovering at around 115 degrees Fahrenheit. Dangerous bacteria from the unemptied Gustieware bins have also gotten into the air vents, causing several cases of hallucinations of accepted transfer letters to the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities. 

We at the Fourth Crown hope that the new residents of Pitt-Sohr can learn to adjust to their new surroundings- after all, they could be living in Complex. Thankfully, the transition will be made easier by the fact that Residential Life will also be switching to the medieval Swedish method of rent and the cost of housing will instead be paid off through 20 years of serfdom. When the ResLife staff member was asked about the possibility of off campus housing, the Fourth Crown was told they would be meeting with the sharp end of an Ulfberht sword if they didn’t stop meddling where they shouldn’t. More to follow.