Classics Office Declares “We Will be Throwing 7 Virgins into a Volcano”

ST. PETER, MN – With registration for spring classes underway, many students are making their class schedule plans, including 17 backup classes for when the ones they need inevitably fill up before registration even begins. So, we here at the fourth crown decided to ask some of the more obscure academic departments what their plans are, including what courses they plan to offer to get students interested. 

    As it turns out, the humanities departments in Old Main are having a competition to see who can get the most first year students into their elective courses without fulfilling a general education requirement. It appeared that the religion department would have this in the bag with their rapture re-enactment class (REL069, for those interested) but after hearing testimony from a few students, it’s clear that the Classics department refuses to take the L. As student Elono Dusky, a senior writer for the Weekly, was leaving Old Main, they were jumped by what was described as “an anxious toothpick looking man”, whom we later learned was classics professor Sean Easton. He frantically asked what their sexual history was, and upon answering they were thrust into the classics office and greeted by an androgynous face of bangs and glasses with a waiver on a clipboard.  After a quick glance over the waiver, it was clear that the department’s goal was to include our poor Elono in their newest course of Greek and Roman sacrifice, in which the final requires students to throw seven virgins into a volcano. After Elono escaped, they came and asked us to investigate further since none of the other Weekly writers would be able to do so safely. So, we sent a fellow writer with a more extensive sexual history to gather the rest of the story.

“This is all about student engagement,” says chair of the department Matt Panciera. “We’ve had really low enrollment numbers since COVID, and the only way to fix it is to do what we know best and sacrifice to the gods. We will be throwing seven virgins into a volcano. And hopefully that will get my hats to fit, too. They’re all too small and it has to be some kind of punishment.”

It’s clear that the spring of 2023 is shaping up to be an exciting semester, so we encourage all the first year pre-med majors that are unable to get into that chem lab to consider a humanities class so they won’t miss out. Happy registration gusties!

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