ST. PETER, MN. – Good news, Gusties! With a small fee of $40 per month, you can now become Fourth Crown verified! This new feature includes priority access to our most popular articles and a guarantee that you will NOT be ridiculed, slandered, impersonated, mudslung, misquoted, falsely represented, parodied, verbally eviscerated, or otherwise jerked around by our writers. But that’s not all – anytime you comment on a Fourth Crown social media post as a verified user, you will receive a “like” and a comment back! (This comment will be an auto-reply with the following message: This user is Fourth Crown verified!)

The process is easy! Just drop an envelope with your payment (cash only) behind the dumpster outside Rundstrom. There, you will find a dead squirrel with a small pouch attached to its belly. Inside this pouch is a key that will unlock a side panel underneath the letter “M” on the dumpster. Place your envelope in the side panel and use the enclosed fingerprint-remover spray to erase any identifying marks. Please address the envelope to “THE MONGOOSE INITIATIVE, ATTN: CORNELIUS RUDOLPHUS.”

Once you have done this, go to Patrick’s and ask the bartender about their Four Crowns IPA. The bartender will bring you a small sample of apple juice, with a sticker attached to the bottom. Here, you must write out the numbers that correspond to the letters of your name. Once you have finished the juice, place the empty glass underneath the plunger in the men’s bathroom. As you exit Patrick’s, be sure that your right shoe is unlaced, and loudly announce, “My shoelace is untied!” Finally, you will exit the bar and find a green tricycle, which you must pedal up the hill to the college and leave on the third bike rack slot outside Olin. 

Once you have completed these easy steps, congratulations! You have successfully become verified by the Fourth Crown. Please wait four to six business months for your account changes to be processed. 

While we are excited to roll out this new feature, we are also aware that some of you ungrateful shits will be reluctant to pay for this special service. To you we say: get ready to be raked through the mud. Our writing team is standing by just waiting to call you names, make up embarrassing stories about your sex life, and make you feel generally awful. So don’t wait! Send us the money NOW and we’ll spare you and your family…