ST. PETER, MN – The Gustavus Peer Assistants, notable for their questionable riddles and burning their smiles into your brain via Once Upon A Potty while you’re trying to pee, have announced today that they will cease handing out free condoms to all students. According to PA advisor Laura Herbst-Johnson, this sudden policy change is effective immediately.
According to PA President Amanda Huginkiss, the change to stop giving out the free condoms to horny first-years is merely to reflect the attitude of the current student body. “No one has sex on campus anyway,” said Huginkiss. “At least I never have. We don’t need to be wasting our money on something that I never get to do– err, I mean, the student body never gets to do. I mean, the student body never does. No one else is having sex here, right? Please say yes.”
The announcement has made some people very notably upset. First-year business major Peter Johnson wrote in a Gustavian Weekly opinion piece that the PA’s decision was “ridiculous, like at a level of something you’d see in The Fourth Crown,” adding “I have sex all the time with my totally awesome girlfriend, and it’s dumb that I have to pay for condoms now. I mean, with all the sex I’m totally having, pretty soon I’m gonna be broke!”
This opinion raised some eyebrows, and in a follow-up interview conducted by The Fourth Crown, Johnson defended himself by adding “Yes, I have a girlfriend. She just… um, lives in Canada. You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different school.”
Another negative reaction came from the Minnesota Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party, whose local campaign intern and senior GWS major Phyllis Wood wrote on YikYak that she would begin offering Minnesota DFL-branded condoms to anyone who DM’d her on the app. According to Wood, the condom wrappers read “Putting the ‘D’ in DFL” and “WARNING: Choking Hazard.”
However, some have supported the move, including notorious student group Gustavus Students for Life. “This is an excellent move from the PAs to stop encouraging college students to have sex,” said Students for Life President Sharon Cox. “Because if there’s one behavior we can beat out of 18 to 22-year-olds, it’s horniness. Right, guys?”
Despite the complaining on both sides, the PAs clarified the decision in a special edition of Once Upon A Potty, writing “No one ever comes into our office, except juniors who want a free Domino’s pizza on their 21st birthday. What’s the point in buying all these condoms if we just have to throw them out?” However, with first-year men lamenting that if only they had been on campus long enough to use them, the decision looks to remain both polarized and politically charged. More to follow.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS