ST. PETER, MN. – When looking at the Gustavus campus in recent years, one can see the numerous renovations that have been done to create the iconic campus we have today. From Nobel to the fresh coat of paint on the Bjorling doorways, funding has gone to bits and pieces of Gustavus to keep things fresh. Though this funding would be much appreciated in the arts department with their lead pipes or Olin and their… Well, Olin, the Board of Trustees has decided on a new project. Set to be completed in 2030, the “Wheel of Excellence” will grace the Gustavus skyline at a whopping 444 feet and 3 inches of height.

“What the fuck?” stated every Gustavus student upon receiving the Gustavus-L email in their inbox. “No seriously, what the fuck? I couldn’t believe what I was reading, I thought I was half-asleep!” stated one exasperated senior who was too riled up to give a name. “I’ve had to put up with a lot of shit during my four years here, but this easily takes the cake on being the largest waste of money I’ve ever seen.”

Despite the hulking stature of the metal wheel, students will not be allowed to ride on the contraption reminiscent of the London Eye. “Only good little kiddies may ride this wheel of fun, along with alumni who donate $500 or more during ‘Give to Gustavus’ day and prospective students,” stated Bergman in the announcement email for the project. With the move clearly shaping out to be an attempt to attract more students to the college, one has to wonder if this addition to campus is worth the cost and stress.

Despite the overwhelming concern expressed by the student body and professors alike, some students are excited for the new feature. A sophomore by the name of Lindy Mahogany shared “I feel like I’m being recognized for my hard work! A lot of my time goes into studying, which really gets in the way of my social life. With the Wheel of Excellence, I’d be able to stay on campus and get some great views of St. Peter while reflecting and thinking about everything I’m missing out on down below, kind of like God… but that’s only if I was still attending Gustavus when it unveils, anyway.”

Excavators have already been dispatched to the southwestern region of the Arboretum to clear the way for the ferris wheel, destroying the shack and the homes of many hibernating woodland creatures. Hopefully the noise isn’t too disruptive during finals. More to follow