CAMPUS NEWS

A Christmas Miracle: Jesus Christ Himself Returns to Finish the Library Roof Construction

ST. PETER, MN – It’s that time of year again; snow has fallen, the sound of Christmas carols fills the air, and the whole campus of Gustavus Adolphus College twinkles with the spirit of the holiday season… but most importantly, prayers are being made and answered — since Gustavus is (obviously) God’s favorite institution of higher education, He listens to our prayers more than anyone else’s, and one particular prayer has rung out above all others: 

“This Christmas, all I want is an end to the construction on the roof of the library, so we can use the sidewalk again.”

Well, Campers, we are in luck this year — In the spirit of Christmas giving and service, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has returned once more to our mortal realm for the sole purpose of taking on the task of finishing the construction, in his most selfless act yet. He was spotted at high noon today, repairing the unknown damage or whatever it is they’ve been fixing up there.

When asked what most inspired him to save us in our time of need, the Son of God responded: “My children of the Gustavus Adolphus College have suffered enough. The cafeteria, their only source of food, causes them such intense gastrointestinal distress that they can no longer walk long distances. The one-ply toilet paper has ripped them to shreds so that every step is a pain. My people are in great suffering, and it is the least I can do to return the sidewalk to them so they may save an average of 20 steps on their journey between the Library and Beck. I hope that this will bring the youth back to the church, and return my lost sheep to the pasture of faith.”

If any students wish to meet our lord and savior, he wishes them to know that he has declined to provide anyone his autograph, but will gladly blow an ethereal kiss to his children from the rooftop as they walk below him. More to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS