ST. PETER, MN – Looking to increase profits during a typically dull finals week, the St. Peter MGM Wine & Spirits store announced today that they would be hiding five finals cheat sheets inside bottles of vodka. Nicknamed “golden tickets” for reasons we are legally not able to describe, the secret bottles will be scattered around the store and customers will be unable to decipher which is which.
“This move is purely an idea to increase business,” said manager Keeli Miller-Fodge. “Let me repeat that: this is an idea to increase business. We won’t be giving anybody any tours, we won’t be alerting children to the dangers of disobeying authority, and we definitely won’t be giving anybody a chocolate factory. We will, however, be giving college students alcohol. And I mean a lot of alcohol.”
The move has drawn lots of controversy, especially from Gustavus professors. “Why are we encouraging students to drink alcohol now? Especially during finals week. I can’t have anybody stumbling into my finals with a BAC so high they pass out as soon as they walk in,” said political science professor David King, closing one of his desk drawers as soon as our reporter walked into his office. “I mean, the very idea of alcohol consumption is absolutely disgusting and repulsive. Why, in the year of 2022, do we still have to…” the professor continued before our reporter noticed a bottle of Jack Daniel’s on his desk next to his coffee cup.
According to MGM, the winners will receive their choice of which final they will receive the cheat sheet with. “In conjunction with the College, it will be the student’s choice,” said Miller-Fodge. However, President Bergman, upon hearing the news, said “What the fuck? I didn’t have anything to do with this.”
“Oh, ease up a little, everyone,” said senior elementary education major Will Shapiro. “This will let us have some fun! College is stressful, man. Sometimes I just wanna relax, have some vodka, black out, you know, the fun stuff! One of the only things that brings me joy in my life,” Shapiro continued with a troubling lack of self-awareness. Whether the extra alcohol students will be consuming this week will be beneficial or harmful to their efforts in finals is yet to be determined.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS