ST. PETER, MN – Gustavus has long been an institution known for its exceptional athletics, especially its tennis. Over the past few decades, athletics fans have enjoyed watching the Golden Gusties dominate the MIAC on the court. However, a recent problem has put this long legacy of success into jeopardy. An unfortunate incident at the weekly sewing club meeting has left the tennis team without a place to practice. 

“We always hold our meetings in there, it just feels right,” said sewing club president Alicia Sharp standing on the flattened remains of the Swanson Tennis Bubble. “No one could have ever imagined something like this happening.” Allegedly, the incident occurred when sewing club member Janice Slippington attempted the coveted “blind sew” technique that the group had been working on lately. Unable to see, Slippington’s needle did not find the yarn but instead effectively punctured the $25,000 facility that the tennis team called home. Rumors have also circulated that foul play was afoot, and bitter St. Olaf tennis players had actually infiltrated the sewing club meeting seeking revenge. 

With their practice facility deflated, the tennis team has begun exploring alternative options for winter practicing. Feeling sympathetic, the hockey teams have generously painted tennis lines on the Don Roberts Ice Rink to use as a temporary practice site. “I think it is really great for our ladies, I don’t know why I haven’t thought of it before,” said head women’s tennis coach Jon Carlson. “If we can play effective tennis on ice, we’ll be unstoppable on the court come spring.” The tennis players have been very receptive to the new practice conditions. “It’s really fun to play on ice, you can play a lot faster, it’s more intense, and it presents a new kind of challenge.” said senior men’s captain Roger Isner on his way to the hospital. Even the former student workers who were furloughed after the destruction of their workplace have found new purpose. The athletics department has begun sending the students in shifts to the site of the old tennis bubble, equipped with tape and bike pumps. More updates on this developing issue to follow.