ST. PETER, MN — The CAB event titillatingly titled “Sexy Jeopardy” was inarguably, a resounding success as the sex-postive game show was heavily attended by both Gusties and community members alike (the St. Luke’s Presbyterian Women’s Group had also reserved Alumni Hall during the time slot, but decided to stay for a night of fun). Because of the high turnout, other Gustie departments are taking inspiration and deciding to entice students with bold, unapologetic, sexual vibes on the daily. Most notably taking up the mantle of erotic icon is our very own Gustavus cafeteria. “Based on the success of Sexy Jeopardy, we’ve decided to incorporate some sensual aspects of our own. Not that food isn’t sexy by nature of course…Antony from Queer Eye made that idea pretty mainstream,” said Lana Jerray, a cafeteria representative.
Some new additions to the Gustavus cafeteria include a “new and improved” sexual salad bar, where students can now eat their sliced pepperoni and leftover pickled herring off the naked bodies of volunteers. But don’t worry, Gusties who want to explore the freakier side of their sexual identity are encouraged to come visit on Fridays, where opportunities to engage in safe and consensual “pasta play” will be available near the pizza oven. “We wanted to spice the food itself up as well,” Jerray revealed. Apparently there are plans for the entire sandwich line to be replaced in favor of a selection of powerful aphrodisiacs, such as chocolate-covered strawberries, oysters, figs, and limited-edition Cheeto-flavored macaroni and cheese.
Administration reportedly loves the plans for the Evelyn Young Dining Room, although we suspect it is because a 30 dollar entrance fee will now be charged to everyone’s student account each time they visit. There have also been some slight issues finding employees willing to work the busiest hours of one a.m. to three a.m., but the Fourth Crown suspects that “Sexy Caf” is here to stay.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS