Ash Wednesday Revitalized to Combat Faith-Related Guilt

CHRIST CHAPEL  – As the cold grows deeper and our seasonal depression strengthens, the Christian calendar is here to remind every person of faith of just how worthless they really are, and that they should give something up for 40 days as a reminder of eternal guilt. On Ash Wednesday, participants are marked with ash and reminded that they are dust, and to dust they shall return to signify the beginning of Lent. Since this day of repentance falls on such a cold and wintery Wednesday, we at the Crown decided to pop into the Chaplain’s office to find out how they are able to hold on to any shred of hope in this truly abysmal season. The answer was simple: in the words of our forever first lady Michelle Obama, “When they go low, we go high.” As we found out, this sage advice serves as a way of life on the first floor of Old Main – as does the white sage in the doorway to alleviate the smell only a Colorado cabin could compete with. 

As Cantor and cannabis connoisseur Chad explained, it is none other than the blessed flower, the Lord’s lettuce, smoke of our savior and joyous joint that allows the Ash Wednesday service to happen. Each employee in the office had an almighty ash tray, and Chaplain Maggie’s plant collection, nicknamed the “Pots of Pontious Pilate” ensures bud for the broken and weed for the weary. There was no doubt that the power of the plant gave these servants their strength, and with eyes redder than the blood of Christ they could see no reason to let the blizzard steal their blunt fueled bliss. 

“I don’t know why we still celebrate Lent, it’s just leftover Catholic guilt,” says Chaplain Maggie. “So if I have to do this whole ash thing and give something up for 40 days, I feel like I should get to take advantage of God’s creation to reflect or whatever.” Chaplain Grady St. Tennis echoed these sentiments, noting, “My job is literally to talk about God all day – if he’s high in the sky, I gotta get closer somehow. And have you seen a picture of Jesus? Nobody looks or talks that way unless they’re at least a bowl in.”

In the next 40 or so days before Easter, things are gonna get pretty terrible. But if there’s anything to learn from our friends in faith, just get high in the name of Jesus and you’ll be okay. Stay warm and guilty Gusties!

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS