ST. PETER, MN – One of the most captivating aspects of campus that draws in thousands of prospies each year is the Arboretum, which has long been a favored spot of relaxation for students and retired couples alike. Anyone can take advantage of the Arboretum and its winding trails in the spring and summer, able to reset as they walk while avoiding eye contact with the shirtless joggers, or passing out in hammocks to wake up to a sunburn. However, the unignorable winter that takes reign of campus for most of the school year leaves this beloved Arboretum susceptible to the vices of man. More and more students report the presence of a foul odor that emanates from the nature reserve as the cold draws on.  Reports have also come in from the residents of Arbor View and Swest stating that residents have been awoken at all hours of the night from the howls of sinners in the dark wood.

This conflict has been ill-handled thus far, as campus safety refuses to drive through the “protected reserves” of the woods and “destroy the habitats” of the creatures who live there. And creatures do indeed live there, with huts constructed by sticks, gum and hemp being spotted off the beaten path. Hooligans are camping out there in the unknown with their only sustenance being beer, borgs and bongs. With what appears to be an underground society taking over the revered Arboretum, fears have mounted over what the state of the park will be once winter melts into its muddy spring. While it appeared that nobody was willing to face this evil dwelling within the Gustavus community, it appears that one individual has taken a stand.

An individual dressed in a familiar spider-themed bodysuit has taken to the trees to stop these B’s from their evil deeds. While no name has been given by the vigilante, those who have encountered the masked figure have aptly given them names such as “The Zaza Snatcher”, “That Masked Fuck” “The Party Police” and even “OH MY GOD! IT’S SPIDER-MAN?!” As soon as the sun sets, evil-doers can expect the vigilante to be prowling the Arboretum, discouraging harmful activities with a swift knock over the head. Perpetrator of sin Alex Bugle gave this statement the day following his encounter with the vigilante: “I was just going for my nightly walk, as per usual,  when someone came up behind me and knocked me the hell out! By the time I woke up, I was resting against the wall in front of the Co-Ed Campus Safety office. I had been out in the cold for TWO HOURS before I woke up and got campo’s attention, but it wasn’t like there was anything they could do – I still had all my shit except for my flower, though I still had the baggie it was in. If he wanted some I could have shared! God.”

“We don’t like this guy,” declared Campus Safety officer Ray Gladwell, bundled in several layers as he and our field reporter trekked through the arboretum. Patrols through the wooded area have increased, much to the disgruntlement of Campus Safety who were in the middle of their hibernation. “People here know that we don’t come out once there’s snow on the ground, we aren’t even on campus when people call for us – we have people on-call for battery jumpstarts and things like that, but they won’t be there for at least 30 minutes after the call is made. This vigilante fella? Nobody even has to call, they’re just there! It undermines everything campus safety stands for… and makes us have to stand.” We here at The Fourth Crown are standing as well, standing in solidarity with our masked destroyer of sin. We salute you, America’s Hero.