Electric Car Parking Spots, and 4 Other Ways This College Wastes Our Money

ST. PETER, MN.– As it has been recently announced, electric car parking spots have been identified as a critical need for the school and secured funding for immediate installation. In honor of this, the Fourth Crown has compiled a list of the top 5 most expensive (and some may say incredibly useless and out of touch) projects and programs that have been put in place over the last year: 

  1. Electric Car Parking Spots-

When Gustavus announced that it was considering adding electric car parking spots to campus for a very small investment of only 2 billion dollars, it was met with extreme excitement by approximately .0004 percent of the student body. Rileston Hillingsby Jr. was quoted saying, “Finally! A place to park my Tesla!”. The 45 plug-in only spots have been added in the Plex Parking lot in the rows closest to the building. Campus safety would like to remind everyone that anyone found parking a non-electric vehicle in an electric spot will be expelled and their car will be stripped for parts. 

  1. Newer New Lund 

Although the construction of New Lund has only recently ground to a halt, workers have been spotted with blueprints in hand, preparing the work site (where Southwest was formerly located, pre-demolition) for the construction of what has been dubbed “newer new” Lund. In an emergency board meeting last Wednesday, it was proposed by Harold Von Chandonhuffer that the “vibes” of the Old New Lund have “gotten a bit stale” and that for only 72 billion, Newer New Lund would provide a much needed refresh. Note: it was also brought up at this same meeting that there is still dangerous amounts of lead in the fine art building’s water system, but members of the board tabled discussion on the topic yet again as it was time for their cucumber sandwich break and “they were eager for a little nibble”. 

  1. E-Once Upon a Potties

There is nothing Gusties love more than seeing the toothy grins of the Peer Assistants when riding the porcelain pony, but what student’s couldn’t have expected to find this morning were Iphone Fifteens secured in place where the posters had previously hung. The PA Office had the phones installed after finding “an indescribably large amount of money” in a dusty, untouched envelope mysteriously labeled “CF Wages”. Now, upon entering a stall, a non-optional video call directly to an on-duty PA will commence. As you video chat, you will be asked to solve the monthly riddle and list the various ways in which Marijuana can kill you. It should be noted that all virtual meetings will be recorded and stored for record-keeping purposes. 

  1. A Designated Coach Bus for the Men’s Hockey Team 

A coach bus was recently purchased specifically for the Gustavus Men’s hockey team.

  1. Squirrel Repopulation Program 

It may come as a surprise to students that Gustavus has recently implemented a squirrel repopulation program at the hands of Biology professor Silvester Tarringstonilsby. He has successfully claimed to the board that the number of squirrels on campus were not sufficient when it came to feeding the local red hawk colony, thus securing 6 billion dollars for his proposed repopulation program. After several years of molecular level research and in-depth chromosomal analysis, Tarringstonilsby determined that setting out several tiny little goody bags containing 1/16th of a Viagra, a teaspoon of Bang Energy, and 3 toothpick-sized condoms with holes poked in them would successfully rebound the numbers by next spring.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS