ST. PETER, MN – The Environmental Protection Agency released a new report concerning the toxicity of tap water in East Palestine, OH. The sleepy town has been the centre of one of the most disastrous toxic waste spills in the U.S. with many citing it as the “Chernobyl” of the Americas. Poisonous chemicals including but not limited to vinyl chloride, phosgene, and butyl acrylate have infiltrated groundwater sources throughout the town. For all of you who failed O chem, it’s basically like that time you spilt all the sulfuric acid on the lab floor. 

In one of the first reports to be published concerning the extent and severity of the spill, EPA officials reassured that the slew of chemicals flowing through the taps of East Palestine is still not as toxic as the Gustavus Choir, otherwise known as G-Choir. Why the EPA chose to use the little-known choir as their control group is unknown, however, it is clear that officials vastly underestimated the toxicity of 60 or so college students overexplaining what perfect pitch is.

Although the report has left residents of East Palestine confused, students at Gustavus herald the paper as “groundbreaking” and “reassuring.” 

“This news bodes so well for Ohio,” said second-year Doja Felis. “If they said it could be at the same level as G-choir that would be scary. Did you see that snap story of them all singing at their party? Scary.”

The report has also stoked fears over the presence of toxic materials on campus. With a toxic entity like G-choir present and accepted at the college, could it not be possible that more toxicity exists on the hill? After all, most students report that they encounter a toxic source at least once per day.

“I know that almost every time I pass the swim team table in the caf, a shiver runs down my spine,” confided senior Paula Kilostone. “I wonder if some sort of pipe leak is going on beneath that section of the caf.” 

Although a scary prospect, Gustavus students should be relieved that at the very least they don’t attend St. Thomas. More updates to follow.