ST. PETER, MN– The safety and security of students has always been a priority here at Gustavus. With resources like Campus Safety and SafeRides nobly defending all we hold dear, the school works tirelessly to ensure the safety of each and every student. Recently, however, there was a threat to the integrity and privacy we have grown to cherish here on the hill. Early last week, Campus Safety spotted a suspected spy balloon with the St. Olaf insignia on it soaring over Old Main. 

Upon seeing the balloon appear out of the clouds early on Monday morning, curious students flocked to Old Main to witness the spectacle. As the balloon descended on the St. Peter skyline, many were certain that it was simply another Chinese spy balloon sent to America and brought lawn chairs out to watch it inevitably get obliterated by an F-14. However, as the balloon got closer and the distinct St. Olaf logo came into view, chaos ensued. “I thought it was just one of those cool Chinese balloons that the army have been shooting down the past few weeks,” said horrified senior Chloe Hammingway. “But when I saw it was from St. Olaf I joined everyone else and booked it indoors so those damn repulsive Oles wouldn’t be able to spy on me.”

As Gusties nervously waited inside with locked doors and boarded up windows, the javelin throwers were enlisted to take out the damned dirigible. After a tense few minutes the throwers were successful in sinking the balloon, the flattened remains landing on top of Christ Chapel. Remains of the balloon confirmed that it indeed was from St. Olaf, analysts predicting that it had been sent to determine the exact reasons why Gustavus is such a superior institution. The school was not just going to let such a thing happen without a proper response, however. With the help of the physics department, a golden statue of a lion is being prepared to deliver to St. Olaf’s Northfield campus as a “gesture of good will”. In reality, the rugby team will be packed inside the statue trojan horse style, ready to pillage, plunder, loot, and destroy all that the Oles hold dear. More updates to follow.