ST. PETER, MN – Gusties who are tired of eating shit every time they leave their dorm rooms rejoiced on Friday, when a campus-wide email declared that the icy campus sidewalks would be repurposed as one giant hockey rink. While hockey players were less than thrilled to learn that the ice rink in Lund would be demolished to facilitate the transition, the athletic department has released a statement in support of the decision, saying:“you guys already glide along the sidewalks just as fast as you do in Lund – nay, even faster.” 

After learning that at least twelve students have perished attempting to cross the slippery, frozen wastes of Gustavus’ sidewalks, President Rebecca Bergman reportedly choked on a plate of quail’s eggs and ordered her underling, Grombus Bilkins, to leave his cage and draft a solution proposal. At an administration meeting on Monday, Bilkins suggested a new initiative named T.O.E.N.A.I.L., which stands for “Teaching Osteoporosis Evils Now! And Invigorating Life.” The program aims to increase bone health among students by encouraging them to avoid shuffling across icy sidewalks on campus. By transforming the concrete death traps into a hockey rink, T.O.E.N.A.I.L. hopes that students will go buy a pair of skates so they can participate in the fun. T.O.E.N.A.I.L. will also be partnering with another organization named R.E.C.T.U.M. (Really hElpful Coordinators of Totally Useful stuff [M]), which has promised to extort at least $5 million for the project from Gustavus alumni.

Slag Throftop, the President of the Council for Tearing Things Down and Replacing Them with Other Things, stated in an interview: “The rink was just too much maintenance, let’s be real. Why pay for someone to drive a zamboni every day when we can just rely on God’s whims?’ When asked if it wouldn’t have been easier to simply dump salt on the sidewalks than to repurpose them entirely, Throftop declined to comment.

So far, the only problem this decision has created is a massive quantity of spare gravel. But in a brilliant victory for sustainability, the Caf has now added the gravel as a new menu option for hungry students. Dubbed “Really Brown Rice,” the gravel is sure to become a popular dish among students who hate their dentists so much they want to destroy their own teeth out of spite. As one taste-tester noted, however, it is “barely any crunchier than the rice they usually serve.” The rink in Lund, meanwhile, will be replaced with an “Enrichment Enclosure” for computer science majors, Gustavus Band members, fraternity guys, and other pitiable life-forms in need of a little extra push.