BECK HALL: ST. PETER, MN – As campus orgs are reviewing their mid-year budgets and wincing at the authorized charges from the fall, many orgs are seeking assistance from channels traditional and unorthodox to fund their spring activities. In the past few weeks we’ve seen the womens’ rugby team turn to bicycles for tournament transportation, and EAC has been forced to sign up for every Mark Hanson sponsored event to afford going outside. The hub of these budgetary binds has been none other than the Gustavus Student Senate – the judge, jury, and executioner for club funding on campus. Since the beginning of the semester, the group of depressed social science majors has heard requests for additional funding from more than 30 campus orgs. But this all came to a head when a group by the name of “Nordic Ski Club” bargained with the body this week.

“I’ll be honest, I had never heard of or seen anyone from this club before.” said senate co-president Melanie Wilt, “So when some tracksuit asshole came to community comment with Supreme goggles on, I just assumed he was lost.” The adidas-clad attendee was none other than president of the so-called “Nordic Ski Club” Carleton Cöntbæg. Senators told the Crown that he smelled like “pine trees and nepotism” and that they were off-put by his “list of demands”. In the same way other orgs had presented previously, Mr. Cöntbæg presented a spreadsheet of the organization’s fall budget and spending with and explained where their previously allotted money had all gone. But the student senate chair of finance Ginny Watim said she saw some concerning columns on the budgetary spreadsheet. 

“There was a column for something called NordicFTs, and another one that just said ‘DaddyElon? And the expenditure from those alone added up to over $5000. Usually I don’t care what orgs spend their money on, but what the fuck kind of charges are those?” Director Watim also noted that while she knew someone had approved these purchases, she had no idea who it could have been. “I don’t remember ever giving this dude money.”

The biggest problem, though, was when Carleton asked the senate to cover the team’s upcoming spring break trip in Aspen, Colorado. The senators, while reassured that this was a budget item that actually had to do with skiing, unanimously voted against the passing of the club’s nearly $20,000 request, including private airfare and Kylie Jenner’s personal chalet – which caused President Cöntbæg to launch into a fit of rage that would put any toddler in a grocery store to shame.

“Fuck you fucking government plebians, I thought your job was to give clubs funding!” he shouted. “You’re all gonna regret this. I swear to God, I’m gonna tell my Dad and then you’ll all wish you’d doubled the Aspen budget before I even walked in here!” He then pulled out his phone, called someone named Buster, asked to speak to Daddy, and promptly left the meeting. Mr. Cöntbæg declined to comment, warning our writers that he would “call my dad on you dickheads too.” More to follow.