ST. PETER, MN – Any student or faculty member who has been on campus for this last semester knows that the dining services have had some issues with staffing. This challenge comes from the Dining Service changing their hiring practices utilized in previous years, which included the kidnapping of sleeping first years to subject them to early weekend shifts at the Gustie Grill. In an attempt of fairness this hiring practice was phased out, left in the hands of trusted students who would certainly step up to ensure their main watering hole was operating smoothly. Unfortunately, this belief was far from reality as 75% of shifts in the Dining Center have been left untaken.

Entering the dining center nowadays, hungry customers are greeted by dirty tables in odd clumps scattered across the room, with any working light flickering ominously and emphasizing the spiderwebs that have grown in the corners. Attempting to get food is futile as most workers in the Caf are high school students who are legally unable to work the fryers, ovens or knives. Full time employees can be found in the back desperately running around to provide some sort of sustenance, and our favorite cashier is still working on overcharging students as she will most likely do even after the world has ended. 

This decline could only go on for so long as students desperately tried to find a meal after 7:00 PM. In response to this disaster, Kevin Birr had this to say in an email sent out last night at 2:30 in the morning:

“So apparently raising our student wages to $150 a week instead of $100 wasn’t enough for people. If no one wants to work, then nobody can work! Starting March 13th the dining center will be closed to the student populus and will only be available to the dedicated staff at this college who have demonstrated their reliability and work ethic. Students will be allowed back into the Caf starting September 7th after our new first year workers are trained in.”

“Right, so I’m fucked!” exclaimed third year Faith Antserdon after finding out the news. “Not only did I get placed in Rundstrom, a rooming hall that doesn’t exist in the eyes of Gustavus, I now have to pay REAL MONEY in order to get food to leave as offerings for the vengeful spirits who make my power go out and attack me in the dark. What is my tuition even going towards?!”

Applications for Gustavus have started to be rescinded after the email was sent. Many prospies appear to be frightened over the prospect of having to serve their peers. The class of ‘23 looks at these youngin’s and shakes their heads, muttering “Pussies” under their breath as they remember their first semester where they were forced to wash dishes every Sunday for three hours. For now, the student hunting group can expect an increase of members as students attempt to forage and hunt for their remaining meals this year. More to follow.