ST. PETER, MN – As spring drags on and Gusties drive off campus in droves to relieve their sorrows in a pint from Patty’s or a lonely trip through the Mankato Target, students’ dismay about limited parking spaces has intensified. While some have called for a mass bonfire of every first-year’s car, and others have advocated for the chapel to be repurposed into a parking garage, efforts to solve the issue have so far been as hopeless as a sojourn to the Caf on a Sunday afternoon. 

In an effort to address the parking problem, Student Senate passed a resolution on Monday that proposed the addition of new brown parking permits. Lacking the available space to construct a new parking lot, however, Senate member Lionel Gruspy suggested using an untapped resource: the Minnesota River. 

“We’re looking at the extra land on campus,” Gruspy said during the meeting, “and we’re realizing that we can’t build a new parking lot unless we pave the arb, which would violate at least 387 DNR codes. I’m not scared of the DNR officers, of course, because all they can do is chase us around with butterfly nets and mosquito repellent, but I think we should consider the Minnesota River as a viable option.” 

While some Senate members voiced concern about using the river as a parking lot (including, but not limited to, cars sinking) Gruspy said that students would just have to find a shallow spot. He also added that drivers would be motivated to move their cars more often if floods threatened to wash their cars away. The Senate voted to pass the resolution 1-0, with every member but Gruspy abstaining from the vote as they had all fallen asleep in their chairs. 

Campus Safety released an email earlier today asking desperate students to buy a brown permit for the discounted price of $1,723. “While this might not be the ideal solution,” the email stated, “we are nevertheless excited to let the river do our jobs for us. Forget to move your car? Too bad. It’s at the bottom of the river now and you’re not getting it back.” 

While the efficacy of this measure remains to be seen, many Gusties have already started using the river for parking, with or without the right permits. One group of students reportedly pioneered the initiative after a night of heavy drinking at the Embassy, after which they made the brave choice to park their car in the river lot before anyone else. Unfortunately, none of them survived. We here at the Fourth Crown, however, would like to extend our personal congratulations to any innovators who decide to vacate their current parking spots in favor of the affordable and highly accessible Minnesota River bed. Oh, and if you do, please email us and let us know where we can find the newly empty parking spot (for reporting reasons). Buckle up Gusties, and good luck out there!