ST. PETER, MN – After their widely successful “Last to Leave the Box Challenge” (which many students found themselves prepared for after years of on-campus living) and last Friday’s “Last to Take Their Hand Off the Gus Bus Gets to Keeps it” challenge, CAB has announced a new weekend activity: “The Over-Involved Gustie Showdown”. In the style of the Hunger Games, each head of a student org will meet in Lund during hockey practice, and be forced to battle as the men’s team skates around the competitors, doing what they normally do during their games anyway: taking up space. Our competitors will enter the ice armed with nothing but their heavy-ass backpacks and a small airsoft gun. The number of plastic pellets each competitor is given will be determined by the number of characters in their email auto-signature.
“I’m thirsty for blood!” President of Goat Herding Club and triple Spanish, Biology, and Russian Literature major Kayla VonTrap is quoted as saying as she hit the weight room on Monday to beef up before the showdown. Next to her, on the bench press, doing triple hip abductors, Vice President of the Baking While Participating in Student Senate Club and leader of several on-campus religious cults, Mary Herwhog added “All those sleepless nights prepared me for this.” On the other side of the spectrum however, we have some tributes expressing slight apprehension for the dangerous nature of the events that CAB has recently been promoting.
“I’m concerned.” Hailey Bailey, head of the Student Health and Safety Committee, acting United States Secretary of Agriculture, and mother of six shared her thoughts with reporters. “Student’s fighting each other for a title of ‘most overinvolved? Sounds dangerous…” However, after our interview, Bailey was seen adding several cinder blocks to her backpack and giving it a few test swings before her next class.
Administration seems thrilled, praising the creativity of the event and calling it “a chance to show the world how brightly Gusties can really shine”. We here at the Fourth Crown only hope that the tributes can somehow rearrange a few things in their Google Calendars to make it to the arena this Friday so the rest of the lazy, good-for-nothing slackers like ourselves can watch and cheer as the job market gets less and less competitive. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS