ST. PETER, MN – As the sun rose over the beautiful prairie this morning, its beautiful rays were not the only thing lighting up in nature. Chatter came rushing in all over yik yak from students who witnessed an oddity on their way to their morning classes — a campus squirrel, smoking a blunt and being just generally really cool and chill and just like, enjoying the vibes.

“I don’t know how he got it,” remarked Red Chili Pepper Emoji, “but he deserves that blunt. Light up little homie.” 

Some students speculate as to whether or not the blunt was acquired through honest means. 

Blue Cactus Emoji yakked, “I saw him running with it in his mouth, bro looked like he was up to something fr [for real].” 

Other students chimed in with indignancy at the suggestion that their new favorite mascot might be a hardened criminal. Golden Gus Emoji #2 said that they “Will not accept slandering of the one good thing left in this world” and “will always support Blunt Squirrel.” Many yakkers echoed this sentiment, and the comment received over 25 upvotes. 

One anonymous student claims that they were the victim of Blunt Squirrel, and the infamous herb belonged to them. “I was just rolling up my breakfast blunt in the arb, like I usually do on Wednesday mornings, just chilling, and then this fuzzy brown blur comes out of nowhere and swipes my shit. That shit was gonna be gas, bro — my mom got that for me. Now what am I supposed to do, go to class sober?”

Despite the controversy, support for Blunt Squirrel remains strong on campus. A yak made approximately three hours ago suggested changing Gustavus’ mascot to Blunt Squirrel; as of the release of this article, the yak had over two hundred upvotes. Rumors circulate that President Becky Bergman has called for a secret emergency board meeting to discuss the potential change. 

A small group of supporters has taken to worshiping Blunt Squirrel at the foot of his tree, gathered in a circle and singing his praises (but like, in a chill and cool way). Each holds an acorn to serve as an offering, in hopes of receiving a single toke of that za. Other students live in fear of the Great Blunt Squirrel, believing him to be an omen — after all, if he’s chiefing the fuck out of that whole blunt, what else could he do?

Unfortunately for Blunt Squirrel’s supporters and admirers, Campus Safety is reportedly looking into the matter. Officer Hugh Jbuzzkill was seen in the Arboretum holding a comically large magnifying glass, stalking a set of suspicious footprints leading to Blunt Squirrel’s tree. Onlookers suspect that perhaps if the officer stops looking through his magnifying glass, he might actually see the squirrel smoking marijuana. More to follow…