SAINT PETER, MN – Shockwaves were sent through the Gustavus community on Monday when a small group of college sophomores armed with M4 Carbines stormed into the Student Senate meeting in Beck 301, demanding that everyone in the room surrender and agree to install ROTC campus advisor Richard Leitch as Supreme Leader of the newly reorganized Democratic People’s Republic of Gustavus Adolphus College. According to the audio transcript of the Senate meeting published online, the beloved political science professor was the first to storm into the room and immediately demanded both a halt to the proceedings and any loose change in the pockets of the senators for him to go buy Peeps. “It’s their sign-on bonus,” Leitch explained. “I don’t have $10 grand to just hand out like the National Guard does.”
The presiding Co-President, who was overseeing a 3-hour discussion of whether to allocate $10 worth of fishing line to the Fly Fishing Club, allegedly did not contest the demands of the students. “It wasn’t because of the armed guards,” she began, “but because I decided right then and there that I’d had fucking enough of this shit.” Other members of Student Senate expressed similar beliefs, with the Controller adding, “I thought about putting up a fight. Not because I didn’t want it to happen, but because that way I could finally taste death’s sweet release.”
Despite the droves of tired senators plagued with senioritis and mono, not everyone at Gustavus seems content to willingly surrender to an authoritarian takeover of the College. A new student group allegedly called The Gustavus Rebel Alliance began hanging up posters this week emphasizing the need to “make all members of the college free” by “destroying the Galactic Empire” that has taken over Gustavus, while also not specifying what the “galactic empire” means for legal reasons.
New Senate Co-Presidents and campus ROTC members Jordan Lee and Alex Hanson appear to be unfazed, however. “This is just the beginning of a Gustavus of, by, and for the students,” Lee stated. “We know that we’ll be unpopular at first, but luckily for us, our political opponents just seem to go missing randomly. So we’ll be alright eventually.” Our reporter attempted to ask a follow-up question, but left the room screaming as soon as Hanson brandished his M4. The situation seems dire, but Gusties up and down the college can sleep well knowing that the Gustavus administration will solve this crisis eventually, or to be more accurate, they’ll send out a few emails to students-l about it. No formal statement by President Bergman has been released or is expected. For now, it seems that Gusties have two options: join a full-scale rebellion against tyrannical rule of an institution they already don’t like, or pick up a rifle and eat some Peeps. Choose wisely and enjoy your yellow sugar marshmallows.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS