ST. PETER, MN – Beware the ides of March. With housing deadlines coming up, many students have descended into all-out madness. Due to the rampant lunacy on campus, we at The Fourth Crown decided to investigate the effects of Housing Registration — what we have found may shock you.
Since 1938, a strange phenomenon has oft been experienced by many Gustavus students; they believe that an entire building named “Rundstrom” exists at the bottom of the hill. Many have flocked to the Counseling Services upon being faced with the truth – that there is no such place as Rundstrom. This is an even more disturbing revelation for some, who seem to believe they live in this “building”.
“I don’t understand why nobody believes me,” exclaimed Smelma Pitts, a sophomore Scandinavian Studies major. “First they don’t believe my major exists, now they tell me my residence hall is fake, too? It’s enough to drive someone crazy! Not that I’m crazy, of course — just ask my friend Waldo the Clown. He says I’m perfectly normal. Don’t you agree? I’m normal, right?”
(No further questions were asked of Ms. Pitts, as our reporters deemed further contact unsafe.)
Counseling Services has classified this delusion as “Rundstrom Syndrome.” No one knows exactly what it is or how it occurs, but Gustavus’ therapists have been dealing with it for years.
“I’ve had so many students run into my office without warning, crying about whether or not their residence is even real. Some even say they’ve just been living in a tent at the bottom of the hill,” said one therapist. “It happens every year around this time.”
“It’s a conspiracy,” said Ian Notinsane, a self-proclaimed Rundy Truther. “Gustavus doesn’t want us to know the truth, but I’m not afraid to tell you — they’ve been convincing us that Rundstrom doesn’t exist because Gustavus is a money laundering front. Why else do you think we have so many ‘scholarships’? How could they afford to give out all these scholarships if they’re not making money off of something else? So I think Rundstrom is where the magic happens — the blue sky meth, the pineapple express zaza, the weapons of mass destruction that have been banned by the Geneva Convention. It’s all there; I can smell it.”
Notinsane has been rallying students to join the Rundy Truther movement. They plan to hold an organized protest at the top of the hill tomorrow at dawn, demanding the release of all top-secret information regarding the sham known as Rundstrom Hall. Unfortunately for the Truthers, former so-called “Rundstrom Residents” have also planned to meet these protesters with force. Rumor has it they may or may not be armed with the alleged biological weapons produced in “Rundstrom” — but you didn’t hear that from us.
Residential Life has refused to provide any official statement on the situation, but one reslife employee (whose name is being withheld for safety) suggested their plan was to “just let the students fight it out, then sweep it under the rug.”
The Fourth Crown has reached out to President Bergman for comments, but received no response. Until then, only time may reveal the Truth. Vive la Rundy Resistance!
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS