ST PETER MN— It was a brisk, chilly morning in rural southern Canada when, this morning, after 3 hard fought years in the brutally tough junior hockey leagues of southern Canada, defenseman Caillou announced his long anticipated commitment to play division 3 hockey at Gustavus Adolphus College. When asked if his childhood television fame put pressure on him to succeed Caillou stated, “I thought I told you rodent reporters no questions about that goddamn TV show from 18 damn years ago! Now get the hell out of my mansion if the questions ain’t about hockey!” As he took a swig out of his bottle of Wild Turkey 101.

Caillou comes to Gustavus with a lot of question marks, as he committed the highest amount of penalties in the league, and set the all time record for most fights in a standard 48 game season. You can expect to see Gustavus head hockey coach, Brett Peterson try to rein in the still relatively young 22 year old, and try to get him to play smarter. Peterson said “I love good physical players who don’t take any crap, but I’d be lying if I said being on that TV show didn’t help Caillou get recruited, my kids love that shit. Even though he’s an angry goon now, we all know he’s still that adorable little bald four year old deep down.”

The Fourth Crown had one burning question that just needed to be asked. Our reporter asked Caillou, “Caillou, you are 22 years old, and you are a fully grown adult. The hair, Caillou. You still, at 22 years old, do not have any hair. Caillou I must ask, why don’t you have any hair?” He angrily stared into the reporters eyes, and with a snarl he said, “Alopecia, same as Jada Pinkett.” His glare faded, and he said, “You have no idea how many times I’ve heard in the last 18 years, “Caillou oh my god you are not STILL bald” Yes, okay fine I am bald! I can’t help it, and it’s called ALOPECIA you insensitive little shits! I’ll tell ya what bud, if I was Will Smith and Chris Rock said that shit about that G.I Jane, I wouldn’t have slapped him… I woulda knocked his arse out!” 

If you’re a fan of hard nosed hockey, and real grinders who don’t take any crap from anyone, come out and see Caillou put on the Gustie gold and black next year. He’s here to play, and he’s here to play hard. In addition to this, Caillou has agreed to donate $20,000 per Gustie goal scored next season to alopecia research worldwide. Also, lastly just remember, if you see Caillou in New Lund, or the CAF next fall (because that guy definitely ain’t going to class)… Please do not ask him about the T.V. show.