ST. PETER, MN – Just a week after the Gustavus women’s hockey team won the national championship, the Gustavus hockey program scored another victory as the men’s team took home their own national title. Unfortunately, the championship was not secured due to athletic skill, but due the team’s aptitude for being racist. 

“It’s a great opportunity to show off our talents,” said Thurn von Durt IV, assistant coach for the team. “While our record on the hockey rink has been pretty mediocre over the past few years, our boys have only been getting more and more morally reprehensible. When this chance came along, we said, why not? We did have to kick one kid off the team though – he was from New Jersey, and there was some speculation that his family might’ve been Italian. That would’ve made our diversity quotient way too high.” 

In preparation for the event, the team’s managers instituted mandatory 23andme ancestry tests. The results were interesting – every team member could trace at least fifty percent of their DNA back to the tiny village of Bunschlucherhausenzielerbieltnaruch in southwest Germany. This has led to some debate over whether or not every member of the team is the product of inbreeding to the seventh or eighth degree, but investigators who looked into the matter have only returned with broken ribs, missing teeth, and suspiciously hockey stick-shaped bruises on their shins. 

The national competition was mainly dominated by Gustavus and the team from P.G.T. Beauregard University in Groyper Grove, Arkansas. The team from St. John’s University in St. Cloud was also among the top competitors, but was ultimately disqualified for being Catholic. Gustavus clinched their victory in the last few minutes of the final round, which consisted of complaining that affirmative action had deprived them of the opportunity to throw “culturally explorative” Halloween parties. In commemoration of their win, each team member was presented with a 24-pack of Keystone Light. 

In a confusing email on Monday, President Bergman congratulated the team for “winning their race” and “being the best racists to ever run the fifty-meter dash.” We here at the Fourth Crown will refrain from offering our congratulations to the men’s hockey players, but one thing remains certain – Gustavus hockey teams are national champions, one way or another.