ST. PETER, MN – Yesterday, it has been reported the Board of Trustees has finally given a public statement about the supposed “debt” that Gustavus is buckling under the weight of. (We know it’s considered rude to talk about money, but thankfully the Fourth Crown has never let “social conventions” become a barrier to our dogged pursuit of journalistic truth.) At around 5:00 PM the projector screen was unrolled in the cafeteria and, to the disappointment of many dinner-goers, what was projected wasn’t a highlight reel of the women’s D3 hockey final, but instead a crackly video call from a group of 60-pluses.

“So you may have heard ‘the D-word’ floating around campus lately– and no I’m not talking about ‘dick’,” said Board Member Davis Doogan. “No, I’m talking about the D-E-B-T.” It is, to put it in a word, shocking, that the college administration is finally speaking out on this after weeks of silence. Even more shocking was that the board appeared to be lounging on the beach of some tropical paradise. “It’s true. We decided we all deserved some time in the ol’ T&C after months of single-handedly making your degrees worthless little slips of paper. We heard “Broke Becky” was headed to Florida,” Doogan paused for the Board to finish laughing, “so I said ‘how about a real tropical getaway’ without the meth and Trump voters.” At this, the other board members raised their piña coladas in a toast.

“What we’re trying to say is don’t worry about it,” interjected Board Member Jean-Pierre Bluth. “We have money… we promise. I’m not saying it’s blood money from the mob that’s stored in an offshore bank account, but I’m not not saying that either. Point is, you’ll be very well taken care of…”. After this disquieting statement from Bluth, Board Members grew slightly distressed and distracted after Board Member Marcy Marbles, who had promised to stay out of the hot tub until her OrF had healed, attempted to breach containment to go for a dip. 

“You’ll be fine, kids.” Doogan reassured after Marbles had been wrestled back to the cabana. However, in an overly loud whisper to other Members, Doogan was heard saying “But hey, at least we got separate Spring and Easter breaks.” With that, the screen ascended back into the cafeteria ceiling and the Gusties went back to grazing on their chicken strips with the blank defeated stares of 20 year olds facing a lifetime of debt.