ST. PETER, MN – After the Organization for Latinx American Students hosted their vibrant & exciting Latinx Night event, the Gustavus campus saw a large number of cis white men outing themselves as “woke.” Instagram post after Instagram post involving land acknowledgment, DEIB, and inclusive language began popping up on the feeds of Gustavus students from these unexpected sources, shocking the masses and creating a confusing narrative without context, which the Fourth Crown is here to provide. Bryce Green, a senior member of the Tau Psi Omega fraternity (commonly known as the REDS), spoke to our field reporter at Latinx night about this shocking shift. “I had some friends attend Africa Night last month for their classes and they said it was actually, like, super cool & hot,” he said, noting that the theme of this year’s Latinx Night, LatinXcelencia, really resonated with him. “I’m, like, super into diversity and equity. Everyone is hot to me. Definitely ‘excellent.’” He went on to describe that seeing all the different performances at Latinx Night inspired his newfound “wokeness.” He’s still a little confused about what it means, but hey, he’s trying his best. 

Another one of these men, Tristan Wallace, explained this sudden white male presence at these events. “I heard there might be ass shaking and wanted to see the ladies get down,” he said. “I thought I may have some luck with them. The men were there too. It’s not that the men weren’t hot. I’m just not really into that, women are more my speed. Oh! And the non-binary performers too. I liked them,” (look at that inclusive language!). He was, of course, swiftly rejected, as were his bros at Africa Night. “I was really floored that they didn’t want me, honestly,” Tristan explained, “I’m hot, I’m single, and I even used the correct pronouns. I thought that would make me, like, super hot to them.” It seems that even being woke isn’t enough to make a straight cis white man attractive right now. Too bad for Tristan and Bryce.

So, if you suddenly notice a large straight white male presence at your typically non-white male-attended event, know they’re doing their best to be woke. They might just be trying to get into your pants, but at least they’re trying! Here at the Fourth Crown, we wish you all luck in mitigating the weird small talk and awkwardness that comes with rejecting someone who has far too much confidence in themselves to take it well. Godspeed, dear readers, godspeed.