Paramilitary Death Squads Restore Bergman Regime Following Ted’s Revolt

ST. PETER, MN – Gusties were overjoyed last week when celebratory bells sounded in Christ Chapel, proclaiming the victory of Ted from the Caf over the forces of the Bergman Regime. Ted’s coronation as President was accompanied by free Caf wontons, the banishment of all Management majors, and the restoration of double-sided printers across campus. 

But in a stunning defeat for the populist tide that carried Ted’s banner, Bergman’s legions have returned and overthrown the Teddist revolution. At the head of the coup were the vice presidents of various nonexistent campus committees, as well as some legacy students who joined the cause at the behest of their parents (who someday wish to have a seat at the board of trustees). 

The seeds of the coup were apparently planted during a meeting that took place after Ted’s victory last week. Pro-Bergmanites escaped via the Gus Bus, and hatched plans for their return over drinks at the Embassy bar, a notorious hotbed of corruption and villainy. Reportedly, the ghost of Ronald Reagan was summoned by religion professor Scragmor Bundershins, an expert in seance studies. The former president promised unlimited military support from the CIA in exchange for a handful of cocaine-laced jelly beans. 

Late Sunday night, a group of paramilitary death squads descended on the college, seizing control of Old Main and ambushing Teddists in Plex who were still hungover from the night before. Ted’s army (nicknamed the Friends of Ted) took its last stand in the Caf, but was betrayed by Sandy, who let the Bergmanites in through the side door. In a final effort to save the revolution, the Friends of Ted hurled buckets of chili at the invaders, but were ultimately routed by the dreaded regiment of General HeckVanHe. 

On Monday, President Bergman declared that Ted’s “insurgency” had been annihilated and several of the perpetrators had been sentenced to work for the Gustavian weekly, reporting on the Student Senate’s budgetary plans for the next forty years. 

But the defeat of Ted’s popular army has not killed his ideas – Teddism lives on in the hearts and minds of his followers across campus. His acclaimed manifesto, Treatise on the Lyfe and Tymes of Ted: Freedym for the Collyge, has been circulated hundreds of thousands of times on YikYak, despite the efforts of certain Bergman-loyalist deans to ban the content. Even the bronze bust of Gustavus Adolphus himself has reportedly been heard muttering invectives against the Bergman coup, and prophesying that the regime will come to the same end as the German Catholic League of 1609. This prediction, however, has only been appreciated by real Thirty Years War heads.

Reports abound that Ted himself has not been captured, and has fled to a cave in Minneopa State Park, where he has been domesticating the bison that live there in hopes of forming a cavalry regiment that will restore his reign. Until that day comes, the Fourth Crown has decided to keep up our fearless reporting, despite threats of censorship. To the enemies of Ted, we say “Viva la Revolucion!”

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS