ST PETER, MN – April 22nd was the perfect day to swing by the local Shell gas station and pick up a gallon of free gasoline. When we spoke to Shell CEO Fellington Earl III at the announcement press conference last week, he stated that he “Would like to announce that April 22nd will be the first annual SHELL Free Gas Day. I cannot stress enough that you may take one gallon only. If any of you lowlife scum try taking two or more gallons we will prosecute you to the full extent of the law!” Shell corporations are suspected to be making this move in spite of the most forgotten holiday, Earth Day.
In a leaked 2016 audio interview with Bob Serendipitous, Shell Regional Director of Regional Direction, he stated “Oh we haaaate Earth Day. That one day I swear…. There’s always a couple less people wantin’ gas. Like they feel bad or somethanggg. So yeah, I think the head honchos are planning something. Like a holiday I think? I actually probably shouldn’t talk about it, they don’t like revealing them secrets.” Mr. Serendipitous was found dead two weeks later with four bullet holes in his head, in a case which was immediately ruled as suicide and not investigated further.
This move by Shell is genius, as not only do they gain notoriety and goodwill by giving out free gallons of gas, they also steal the spotlight away from Earth Day. This will hurt the holiday as the spotlight is already hard enough to come by, as we at The Fourth Crown are well aware of. According to Zankrank.com, Earth Day is ranked as the 31st most popular holiday – a single step above Vietnamese Independence Day (Sept 2), but still a spot below National Cleavage Day (May 19th). With the announcement of “SHELL Free Gas Day” it can be assumed that the popularity of Earth Day will possibly fall even further down that list.
We caught up with Mother Nature to try to get a comment on this expert chess move by Shell corporations, and she stated in a rough, raspy voice, “I got to tell you… Sorry one second, (30 seconds of hoarse wheezing coughing ensues) I’ll tell you no one ever cared about my birthday, you’d think maybe some of you would care being that I’m the only planet you know can provide life, but no! My day is ranked behind national Cleavage day on Zankrank.com. I mean really, Zankrank.com? You see a nice pair of boobs and forget all about your damn mother? I’m your mother, I got the most important pair of boobs you’ll ever suck on.” Certainly Ms. Nature was using some very descriptive language, but we wouldn’t expect a dying woman to hold back her true thoughts.
Another large blow has been levied to the dying body of earth and yet again Shell Corporations is the one swinging the hammer. If Shell Corporations versus Planet Earth was a sports game, the score would be almost as lopsided as when Gustavus women’s hockey plays those poor Concordia girls. That being said, most of us could use a free gallon of gas, so come on down to any participating Shell gas station and get your free gallon, because it’s official, April 22 will mark the first official SHELL Free Gas Day.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS