SAINT PETER, MN – Ever since the Linnaeus Deliberation Circle made the decision to remove the name of Carl Linnaeus from the Arboretum at Gustavus Adolphus College in 2021, the bust of Carl Linnaeus has been completely absent from the public eye, his face no longer terrifying Arb-goers with its frumpy and disheveled look. However, evidence obtained by The Fourth Crown from our many less-than-legitimate sources suggests that Linnaeus is back, and back with a vengeance.
The situation allegedly started on Friday morning, when the statue’s morning guard attempted to relieve the night guard of duty. The guard found, to his horror, that not only had the bust escaped its enclosure, but also that someone- or perhaps something- had killed the night guard, with two bullet holes in his chest and a stab wound on the left side of the neck. Katy Sullivan, a senior nursing major, performed an autopsy and concluded that the trace amounts of bronze found on the body near the neck wound were the result of Linnaeus taking his first victim. Security footage of the incident, which was later declassified, only confirmed what everyone watching already knew. One anonymous member of the college administration told The Fourth Crown that Becky Bergman, after seeing the footage, merely said “Get me the President.”
The next case was that of senior biochemistry major Sophie Hart, who had been a member of the deliberation circle and a vocal critic of Carl Linnaeus. According to her roommate, Hart was last seen in her Uhler double at 10:00 PM on Sunday night, when her roommate went to bed and shut the door separating the rooms. Over the course of the night, residents allegedly heard loud banging noises and muffled screams. When these concerns were reported to the CF on duty, she allegedly blew them off as being “above [her] pay grade” or “totally ridiculous.” How exactly the bust entered Uhler is currently unknown; the leading theory is that it was let in by a student while pretending to be another student who had left his ID in his room.
Despite how this looks, the administration believes there is nothing to fear. “I understand how this looks,” began President Bergman at a press conference this morning in Alumni Hall, “but the College is f̴̡̣͓̭͈̘̭͂̉͜͝u̶͔̠̩̮̻̜̬͙̣̪͛͛̒́̇͘͘l̵̢̒ly in con̶̡͎̲̬͎͓̎͆̓̿̉̑̈́͐̀̕͠͝t̵̛̬̺̯͍̬̠̣̎̀͒̄͂̏͒̌̉͐͘͝r̶̨̳̗̭͚̙̰̗͔̘͔̲̜̀o̸̡̧͕̞͙̰̞̻̙̭̝͆̃̋̀̐̈̈́̿̀͊l of the situation and there is no a̶̘͈̓̑c̶̞͉̱̰̉̾͊͒̈́̊t̵̛͎͍̬͗͒͂̊͜ị̴̗̲̖̞̝̿́̀͌͋̕͜͝v̴̟̤̟͔̳͎̞̀̆̃̏̔̂̐́̕͝e̶̘̘̱̜͙̬̙̞͍͑̔̂̓̎̈́̎̅ threat at this tï̵̫͜m̴̡̳̠̥͓̣͑̑̒͛̐e.” To the horror of the reporters inside, the President’s eyes then began to roll into the back of her head and she began chanting in a demonic script. This caused commotion amongst the members of the press in the room, but when one tried to leave, he found that the doors had been barred. President Bergman’s eyes eventually stopped rolling, and it was revealed that they had become pure bronze. More screaming followed, and then eventually… silence.
What exactly the bust of Linnaeus’s plans are is yet to be determined, but we can say one thing with certainty… the Č̷̢̛͔̬̺̤̞͓̼͍o̸̲̜͙̘̮͔̭̭͐͊̇̈́̽̀͠ĺ̴̨̠͔̤̲̞̣̯̞̙̈́̿͗̐̐͗̀́̄͆͝͝l̴̢̖̜̣͓͛̒́̒̇͘̕͝e̵̠̣̮̓̽̿̋̍́̒͝͠ge is fully ị̴̡̼͚͙̬̖̱̦̗̭͐̔̏̓̏͂̓͐̽̋̃͋̈́n̵͙̗̼͍̿̓͐̔̾͆̆̔̚͝ ̸̧̻̥̯̟̙̭̻͎́̈́̄̈́̑̅͌̈̉̕͝͝c̵̢͓̻͍͓͖͈͐͌͂́õ̵͈͙̲͖̺͎͚͚̦͆͋̋̀̿͌͋ņ̶͖̪̯͔̆̃̏̐̚trol of the situa̶̧̖͉̗̭̘͋̊̈́̑̋̓̑̔̀͋t̴͓̬͈̯̟͉̙̖̭̹̃̎͐͆͋͘i̷̯̮͖̖͒͆́̀̏̋̑̀͘̕o̶̡͎̒̄̎̌̌̃͒́ņ̵̧̪̩͔̪̖̯͎̩̈͑͊̊̀̐͋̚͘, and there is ņ̵͎͕͉͚̻̬̫͓̫̇͋͐̇̑̈́̊́̄͑̕ô̷̯̞͔͔̠̞̪͉̳ active t̸͉͓͉̞̠͔̂͝h̵̩͇̺͎͇̔͘r̴̘̜͉̣̥͕͕̼̻͕̞̎͆̍̔̚̚͠e̸̛̗̦͚̔̃̾̇̒̈́̏͘̕͝at at this tį̴̛̹̜̜̬͛̆̌͊͗̕͝͝me.
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