ST. PETER, MN – This morning, Gustavus Administration made a shocking announcement: to account for the college’s current financial situation, every member of the faculty is now being forced to participate in the Hunger Games.
According to the rules, two professors from each department have been randomly selected to compete and fight to the death in order to keep their jobs. The games will be a symbol of good faith in the administration’s unquestionably wise and just rulings, and allow college executives to continue getting overpaid for not doing their jobs. Administration has made it clear that this is the only way to save the college, and anyone who disagrees will be forced to compete along with the faculty.
Many students are outraged at the news, some even flocking to Yik Yak where their voices are sure to be heard by the 50-year-old board members who still can’t figure out how to change their Facebook language from Pirate English.
“We will not stand for this,” yakked Red Eggplant emoji. “I’m holding a protest outside the Administration building at 10 — let’s show them they can’t get away with this!”
Unfortunately, due to the recent de-yassification of the Yik Yak app, nobody paid attention to them.
Some students do support admin’s decision. Sophomore Public Health major and notorious bootlicker Yuri Nation said, “I think it’s a reasonable idea. The job market is oversaturated for Liberal Arts College professors right now. It makes the most sense to put as many of them as possible out of their misery now — really, I see it as mercy killing. Those poor dears are just going to get their salaries cut or have to fire their colleagues otherwise, and this is the best way around that. To truly have a strong society, we must eliminate the weak links to make room for the genetically superior, like me. Really, if you think about it, eugenics is a—”
The Fourth Crown also reached out to President Bergman for comment on the situation, but she only responded with a confused look and said, “Huh? They’re doing what now? Oh. Figure it out yourself, I guess. I don’t know. I’m not really in charge of anything here.”
Robert Wallie, a professor from the Religion department, has been selected to compete in the Hunger Games. Students have remained largely silent regarding this development. English Professor Matt Rasmussen was also allegedly selected to participate, but had to cancel at the last minute due to a sudden case of diarrhea.
Other professors have been spotted in the Lund center, gearing up for the competition. Professor Rafid Mahbub was reportedly seen vigorously throwing 300 lb barbells around the weight room while grunting to the tune of “Stayin Alive” by the Beegees. He was joined by many other professors from various departments in a heartwarming display of solidarity before the coming horrors of The Games.
No one knows exactly what to expect from this pivotal event, nor do we know whether this year’s Hunger Games will be the last or just the first of many to come. Only time will tell. Until then, may the odds be ever in your favor.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS