CARLSON ADMINISTRATION BUILDING – This week’s budget transparency panel hosted by President Bergman, Dean VanHecke and Provost Kelly left students with more questions than answers, despite the Provost’s comments assuring students that they “simply have no idea how budgets work.” This caused even the business majors to look up from their coloring sheets –  needless to say, finances at the college are still an issue of great contention and confusion. So, we here at the Crown decided to dig further into the allegedly complicated books. As it turns out, Provost Kelly (AKA Budget Bestie Brenda) made a staggering $192,000 in 2021. For some context, that’s enough to buy 125 pieces of original art by a stag beetle named Spike, 2 Harambe-shaped cheetohs, or 134,000 Doritos locos tacos. For that much money, our budget bestie must be doing some serious work around the clock, or have some seriously heinous secrets; and the research told us it’s a mix of both. Here is why Brenda Kelly deserves six figures and how you can get one too:

First, you have to be willing to get your hands dirty, and Provost Kelly does just that. Upon making the walk over to Carlson the Admin building, Kelly was spotted filling a large hole with dirt to cover a large box labeled “Financial Records 2022”. Before our reporter could say anything, she ran. Genius is a trait worth protecting, so it’s understandable she didn’t want to interview while she was in the middle of her clearly work. We sure are lucky to have a college administrator who isn’t afraid of unorthodox methods!

Secondly, you have to have grit – literally. Again, our girl Brenda sets the example. Student workers in the Provost’s office reported that Kelly comes in every morning with a salad bowl filled to the brim with plain, unflavored grits. She shuts and locks the door to her office and does not come out for a minimum period of two hours, and exits promptly at 10:29 am with a grit-coated bib and the bin of paper shreds from her private shredder, also coated in grits. She then disappears for an extended period of time, returning only for her zoom meeting with her vocal coach and specialist Tweetie Bird. If you want to get your bag, you’ve gotta walk the walk and talk the talk; and Provost Kelly shows us just how to do it. 

Finally, in the words of Kenny Rogers – you’ve gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. Provost Kelly has these down to a science, and it really demonstrates how she earns every penny of her 190k. According to reports from campus safety, every Friday night a group of “Godfather impersonators” enter the Provost’s office. They have also been seen in the tunnels, the Rundy chapel, and the abandoned Godfather’s Pizza downtown. Though our sources at campus safety couldn’t tell us what the meetings were about because they would “cut my fucking dick off if I told you about the mafia money laundering business”, they did inform us that other members of these meetings have included descendants of Pablo Escobar, cardinals of the Catholic Church, and Gustavus Students for Life. We sure are grateful for the ways Provost Kelly is involving the community to do the work for Gustavus. 

There you have it folks! Follow the ways of the Budget Bestie Brenda and you, too can live a life of luxury and potential money laundering schemes. Go get that bag Gusties!