ST. PETER, MN – Only the oldest and wisest among us remember the pre-COVID glory days of Gustavus, the rumored “buffet line” in the caf, Nemo the campus cat, and yes, the Blackbear concert that never was. Non-Seniors reading this: it’s true. Our campus, where the vibes are best described as “grandma’s house, post-wake but pre-funeral” was actually going to host the singer of “hot girl bummer”, “idfc”, and “queen of broken hearts”, Matthew Tyler Musto (Blackbear). Sadly, it was never to be, as the utter and complete lack of Blackbear merch present in St. Peter, Minnesota demonstrates. So the Fourth Crown, in order to do one last favor for our graduating students, decided to get to the bottom of the case in pursuit of some restorative justice.

First, we sent some of our reporters to interview JosH KneeVaNce, Dean of Students. When questioned about Blackbear (whose track “NYLA” was featured in the documentary “Hot Girls Wanted” on Netflix in May of 2015) KneeVaNce is quoted as saying helpfully: “Who is that?” Upon our reporters playing “hot girl bummer” off of KneeVaNce’s Pandora account, KneeVaNce reportedly began loudly crying and muttering about “throwing up in a Birkin bag and doing something with someone random.”

When the concert was mentioned to Bergman, her eyes briefly lit up with fear when she realized that people remembered Blackbear (who, on January 29, 2017, posted the track “Make Daddy Proud” on his SoundCloud page). “Yes… the Blackbear concert… funny that you mention that…” Bergman replied. “Well, unfortunately, as a result of the budget problems that we’re definitely probably not having, Blackbear is not really an option right now.” When our reporters pressed who, if not Blackbear (who released his mixtape Cybersex on his 27th birthday) would be coming to campus, Bergman promised she would think of something. Security was then called and our reporters were forced to conclude their investigations. 

But Gusties, in a shocking turn of events, Bergman made good on her promise. All around campus, posters went up last Friday, advertising the musical powerhouse that Bergman had booked for an absolute rager next weekend: Richie Yurkovich and Polkarioty, a Polka band from Willard, Wisconsin. Now we may not be able to scream “dirty laundry” this May, but we will be able to enjoy the sweet sounds of Richie on the button box and his wife Gabrielle on the drums. Gusties, it’s time to ask yourselves, would you rather have an on-campus concert of someone who has worked with G-Eazy and Machine Gun Kelly, or someone who Jennifer D. on MusicBookings.com said “showed up on time”. Let’s polka, bitches.