ST. PETER, MN– With graduation right around the corner for the class of 2023, many seniors are beginning to feel sentimental about their imminent departure from the hill. Feelings of sadness, excitement, and even fright have emerged in the senior class as they move on to their (ideally) bright futures. One student, however, is feeling a different way about their impending commencement. Philosophy major June Levine has begun to express some regret about her chosen life path. 

Levine happened upon this unwelcome sentiment during one of her morning classes last week. Upon engaging in the senior seminar philosophy class’s daily routine of looking into the clouds and pondering for thirty minutes, Levine had sudden feelings of regret wash over her. As the class continued and considered whether we all live in a simulation or not, June began to consider whether she was going to be able to make a living post-grad or not. “I just really feel like I’m not prepared for the real world!” exclaimed a worried Levine. “I mean I can talk to you about why predestination and free will can coincide, but what the hell is a Roth IRA?” 

Levine decided to take matters into her own hands and head to the Career Center to see what the heck she could do with her philosophy major. Unfortunately, the staff at the Career Center were left completely baffled. “We’ve never had a philosophy major in the office before!” said confused assistant director Jill VanOsdol. “I ended up recommending that she become a philosopher for lack of a better answer, but man, I didn’t feel great about that one.”

A dismayed Levine left the Career Center with little hope. Her troubles continued upon researching relevant philosophers in society and seeing that the image of the most recent influential philosophical figure was painted. “I guess I was just born into the wrong era,” said a disheartened Levine as she gazed at a picture of Confucius. “They just don’t value a good philosopher like they used to!”

In a last ditch effort, she scheduled a meeting with the department chair for philosophy, Joshua Brown. To Levine’s disbelief, he informed her of one last option that she may have to save her future. By becoming a professor of philosophy, Levine would be able to not only make a living for herself, but also pave the way for the next generation of intrepid philosophical youngsters to eventually find themselves in the same existential situation Levine found herself in. And so continued the process that could only be philosophically referred to as the inevitable cycle of life. More updates to follow.