LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM – With Lizzie finally in a box, the coronation of King Charles III in the United Kingdom went off without a hitch last Saturday. That is, of course, unless you consider the unjustified arrest of peaceful protestors a hitch. But while most rational human beings were upset that the event cost the British taxpayer £100 million in their knockoff Monopoly money ($126 million USD), everyone’s favorite author and “activist” J.K. Rowling seemed to be upset at something else.
In between a series of tweets announcing that Dobby the House-Elf is canonically a furry and that Lily Potter was a professional dominatrix, the author tweeted during the coronation that she was “upset that something inherently unnatural and against God’s will” was being “shoved down our children’s vulnerable throats,” adding that “pronouns aren’t real and I should know that as an author” while insisting that she was “just asking questions.” Determined to destroy her own legacy by betraying the very same love, acceptance, and belonging that built it, she then wrote that King Charles III can “be whoever she wants, but she will always be Queen Elizabeth II to me,” seemingly unaware that they are, in fact, two different people.
Shortly after these tweets were posted to her account, London Metropolitan Police were called to the Rowling residence after neighbors reported an explosion. Entering the scene, officers found the body of the infamous author with all the symptoms of spontaneous human combustion, an incredibly rare but not unheard of condition. A Tweet was found unsent on her computer that merely read “By the way, all Hufflepuffs have foot fetishes.”
While the TERF community will naturally be upset at the loss of one of its finest crusaders, trans people have collectively not stopped laughing since Saturday afternoon. Whether or not Rowling will come back as a nearly headless ghost has yet to be determined.
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