ST. PETER, MN – It is with a heavy heart that the Fourth Crown is forced to report that the long-beloved statue of Gustavus Adolphus has Gone Woke. That’s right – the stony general who once led legions of armies across Europe has succumbed to the Woke Mind Virus. On Monday night, faithful anti-wokeist Hildebrand Grevrettner was patrolling campus  when he discovered that Gustavus’ bust had been stamped with a timeless symbol of authoritarianism: the ☪oe✡is✝ sign. We’re not joking, Gusties – it’s basically 1984 in real life out here. 

In the aftermath of this disaster, many sane libertarian anarcho-capitalist constitutionalist Christian patriots are asking just one simple question: why? Why did our beloved King Gustav II Adolph give in to the leftist rabble? The Fourth Crown’s fearless reporting has concluded that Gustavus was definitely pressured by his colleague, Carl Linnaeus, being canceled by the Woke Mob last year. With the catastrophic news that Sandy watches CNN (what’s next? The pro-life group watches MSNBC? The national anthem at every sporting event gets replaced by a mandatory land acknowledgement?) hard-working lunch-pail 9-to-5 conservative Gusties who definitely aren’t here on their dad’s dime have very few icons left to look up to. 

“What?” said sophomore Frank Wrankler in response to the news. “What are you talking about? Who cares?” Frank’s astute statement, clearly satirizing the widespread apathy toward issues of Wokeism, indicates just how dangerous it is to let your guard down even for a moment on a campus where a pro-Biden Antifa mob might be lurking around every corner with oat milk lattes in hand. In order to fight the rising tide of Woke Ideology the Fourth Crown has enlisted our newest reporter, an unemployed ex-talk show host named Tucker Carlson, to follow the scent of the liberal conspiracy. Early investigation has revealed that Wokeness extends to the highest sectors of the college, possibly even including Becky Bergman herself. It is too early to say whether these Woke Warriors are part of a larger Satanist plot to replace American family values with the doctrine of Mao Zedong, but the answer is yes.

What’s that? The sign is actually just a stray piece of birdshit? Fuck. Goddamn it. What the hell do we write about now? Uh… wait a second, is that a hammer and sickle on the spinning letters outside the library? Oh boy. Oh no. Here we go, folks – it’s just like Communist Russia all over again. Stay vigilant, Gusties: you never know when you might be the next target of the Woke Agenda.