ST. PETER, MN – Looking to increase profits during a typically dull finals week, the St. Peter MGM Wine & Spirits store announced today that they would be hiding five finals cheat […]
St. Peter MGM Announces 5 Final ‘Cheat Sheets’ in Vodka Bottles
A Christmas Miracle: Jesus Christ Himself Returns to Finish the Library Roof Construction
ST. PETER, MN – It’s that time of year again; snow has fallen, the sound of Christmas carols fills the air, and the whole campus of Gustavus Adolphus College twinkles with the […]
Ferris Wheel to be Added to Campus: “What The Fuck?”
ST. PETER, MN. – When looking at the Gustavus campus in recent years, one can see the numerous renovations that have been done to create the iconic campus we have today. From […]
PAs Stop Giving Out Condoms: “No One Has Sex On Campus Anyway”
ST. PETER, MN – The Gustavus Peer Assistants, notable for their questionable riddles and burning their smiles into your brain via Once Upon A Potty while you’re trying to pee, have announced […]
Fourth Crown Verification is Here for Only $40 a Month!
ST. PETER, MN. – Good news, Gusties! With a small fee of $40 per month, you can now become Fourth Crown verified! This new feature includes priority access to our most popular […]
Classics Office Declares “We Will be Throwing 7 Virgins into a Volcano”
ST. PETER, MN – With registration for spring classes underway, many students are making their class schedule plans, including 17 backup classes for when the ones they need inevitably fill up before […]
Pittman and Sohre Dorms Merge to Create “Pitt-Sohr”, Discomfort Reported
ST. PETER, MN.– It’s November on the hill and students are beginning to feel a sense of dread and preemptive frustration as the housing process creeps closer. This year, adding to […]
Bergman Re-Elected President in Suspicious Circumstances
ST. PETER, MN – With the 2022 election season over, 17th President of Gustavus Adolphus College Rebecca M. Bergman won a second term in the role. Bergman has become the second President […]
MyGustavus Registration Replaced by Cuneiform Tablets
ST. PETER, MN – In a blow to students’ sanity, the Office of the Registrar announced Monday morning that class registration on MyGustavus would be discontinued. Instead, registration for Spring 2023 classes […]
TREND ALERT: Karmic Castration
ST. PETER, MN – If there’s one thing old white men have in abundance– it’s the audacity. Or in other words, they’re dicks. And many Gustavus professors are no exception to this […]
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