SAINT PETER—Responding to Candidate #1’s appearance on campus to become the next president of Gustavus Adolphus College, the Faculty Senate has already preemptively called for their resignation, citing “an inability to understand […]
CIA Report: Gustavus’ Alma Mater Used for Torture at Guantanamo Bay
SAINT PETER— New findings from a declassified CIA report indicate that Gustavus’ Alma Mater was part of a coordinated program of torture at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp in Cuba. The report […]
24 Tips for Surviving Case Day
This Saturday marks the annual Case Day, an unofficial campus holiday in which a handful of students attempt to drink 24 beers in 24 hours. While the tradition has been described as […]
Winter Weather Strikes; Snow Removal Department Responds ‘Nah’
BREAKING—Following Monday’s heavy morning snowfall, insider sources have revealed that Physical Plant’s workers just really don’t feel like going out and clearing the several inches of snow accumulation with pending forecasts predicting […]
Even JoNes VanHecke Not Sure What to Capitalize in JoNes VanHecke
SAINT PETER- In a recent statement from the Dean of Students Office, Dr. Joness Vanhecke has admitted that even she is unaware of which letters to capitalize in her name, Jone S. […]
Alcoholics Anonymous Regional Headquarters Established in Back of Gus Bus
SAINT PETER- In keeping with the organization’s efforts to fight the early stages of alcoholism which are often initiated in collegiate settings, Alcoholics Anonymous has relocated their regional headquarters to the back […]
Matt Timmons Declares “I am the Senate;” Consolidates Wartime Powers
SAINT PETER- In an unprecedented show of executive power, Student Senate Co-President Matthew Timmons has indefinitely expanded the abilities of his office by suspending the writ of habeas corpus and by modifying […]
Fraternity Adopts Child Instead of Highway Due to Paperwork Mistake
SAINT PETER—In an attempt to boost their philanthropic efforts in the community, Gustavus fraternity Eta Xi Omega has accidentally adopted a three-month-old from Vietnam while attempting to adopt a section of Minnesota […]
Gustavus Endowment Hits $150 Million Mark, $149 Million Celebration in Works
SAINT PETER- After years of record-breaking fundraising under the leadership of President Jack R. Ohle, the college has announced the institution’s endowment has hit the $150,000,000 milestone. “This is a big step […]
Emerging Douchebag Scores Big at Poster Sale
SAINT PETER—With a Bob Marley poster in hand, Sean Joseph came away the biggest winner of the biannual campus-wide poster sale. Joseph spent a total of $80 worth of merchandise, proving that […]
The Fourth Crown 