PALACE OF RJORNSTITCH, UPON MOUNT AÐALSTEINN—Following two days of open sessions with the prospective presidential search candidate, it has been confirmed that the snow gods of Norse lore are not impressed by […]
SAINT PETER—Responding to Candidate #1’s appearance on campus to become the next president of Gustavus Adolphus College, the Faculty Senate has already preemptively called for their resignation, citing “an inability to understand […]
SAINT PETER— New findings from a declassified CIA report indicate that Gustavus’ Alma Mater was part of a coordinated program of torture at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp in Cuba. The report […]
This Saturday marks the annual Case Day, an unofficial campus holiday in which a handful of students attempt to drink 24 beers in 24 hours. While the tradition has been described as […]
BREAKING—Following Monday’s heavy morning snowfall, insider sources have revealed that Physical Plant’s workers just really don’t feel like going out and clearing the several inches of snow accumulation with pending forecasts predicting […]
SAINT PETER- In a recent statement from the Dean of Students Office, Dr. Joness Vanhecke has admitted that even she is unaware of which letters to capitalize in her name, Jone S. […]
SAINT PETER- In keeping with the organization’s efforts to fight the early stages of alcoholism which are often initiated in collegiate settings, Alcoholics Anonymous has relocated their regional headquarters to the back […]
SAINT PETER- In an unprecedented show of executive power, Student Senate Co-President Matthew Timmons has indefinitely expanded the abilities of his office by suspending the writ of habeas corpus and by modifying […]
SAINT PETER—In an attempt to boost their philanthropic efforts in the community, Gustavus fraternity Eta Xi Omega has accidentally adopted a three-month-old from Vietnam while attempting to adopt a section of Minnesota […]
SAINT PETER- After years of record-breaking fundraising under the leadership of President Jack R. Ohle, the college has announced the institution’s endowment has hit the $150,000,000 milestone. “This is a big step […]
The Fourth Crown 