SAINT PETER—With a Bob Marley poster in hand, Sean Joseph came away the biggest winner of the biannual campus-wide poster sale. Joseph spent a total of $80 worth of merchandise, proving that […]
Emerging Douchebag Scores Big at Poster Sale
PSA: BedLoft Year-End Pickup Date now February 10, 2014
BREAKING—BedLoft announced this afternoon that lofts, futons, and refrigerators rented from the popular dorm-furnishing service would be scheduled for pickup on Monday, February 10th, 2014. BedLoft Public Relations Manager Jessica Rothberg commented […]
Gustavus Greens Classified as “Gang (Pressing Threat)” by FBI
WASHINGTON, D.C.- In a dossier released earlier this morning, the Gustavus Greens, a campus group dedicated to “promoting environmental sustainability and awareness,” has been categorized as a Gang (Pressing Threat) by the […]
FLASHBACK: The Dive, Past and Present
In the interest of preserving and celebrating our illustrious history of over 150 years, The Fourth Crown presents the second of a 2,928,608 part series, FLASHBACK, chronicling the most important events in […]
Jussi Björling Named BET’s “Entertainer of the Year”
LOS ANGELES- At the Black Entertainment Television network’s annual BET Hip Hop Awards, Swedish tenor Jussi Björling was posthumously named the network’s “Entertainer of the Year,” narrowly beating out perennial frontrunners Beyonce, Drake, […]
Gustie Greeter Forgets Rouser, Excommunicated
SAINT PETER—Ex-Gustie Greeter Christine Johnston finally spoke out about the controversy surrounding her excommunication from the Greeters for forgetting the words to the Gustie Rouser. “I don’t know what happened,” Johnston says, […]
First-Year Pre-Med Student Undeterred by C- Grade in Principles of Biology
SAINT PETER- First-year student Meghan Christiansen has announced to friends and families that she is entirely unfazed by a subpar grade in her first collegiate biology course, claiming she can “still totally […]
Study: Deb Actually Third Strictest Caf Lady
MINNEAPOLIS—An independent research commission has released the results of a new in-depth study that indicates that Deb is only the third strictest cashier in Dining Service. Mandy O’Rourke, a research consultant from […]
G-Choir Senior Doesn’t Cry after CinCC
SAINT PETER—After evading reporters for over two months, senior Gustavus Choir member Ashley Werth finally spoke about not crying after her last Christmas in Christ Chapel. “It’s true, I didn’t cry,” Werth […]
Gustavus Named “Cystic Fibrosis Gold Medal Facility;” Attributed to Ambiguity of Collegiate Fellow Position
SAINT PETER- In a formal banquet celebrating the close of the North American Cystic Fibrosis Conference (NACFC) last Friday, Gustavus Adolphus College was awarded the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s highest honor: a Gold […]
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