SALT LAKE CITY, UT – A miracle happened this last Sunday. Shocking people who thought that they wouldn’t witness this in their lifetime, the son of God has thrown a surprise resurrection. […]
Jesus Has Risen — Says, “Pay Your Taxes”
Harvey Weinstein Confused, Thought 500 Word Essay Enough to be Forgiven
Los Angeles, CA- Harvey Weinstein, notorious sexual assailant who also made some movies, voiced confusion over the fact that he was still in trouble after writing a 500 word essay about why […]
Local Girlfriend Way Too Into Fifty Shades Darker
SAINT PETER- Local student Mark Grumbacher released a statement this morning declaring that his girlfriend Anna Glitzen is “just a little too into that Fifty Shades Darker movie.” Darker is a sequel […]
Student Senate Community Meetings Draw Local Farmers to Complain of Poison in the Well
SAINT PETER- After the unprecedented death of six local farmers in the Saint Peter area due to poison in the well, Monday’s Student Senate Community Meeting was packed with torch-clad agricultural professionals. […]
Voluntourist Freed From White Guilt For Next 6 Months
SAINT PETER— Arriving at the end of Spring Break refreshed and enlightened, student voluntourists have been loudly proclaiming themselves free of their white guilt for the next several months. The trips, which […]
Nation’s Rapists Relieved Somebody Else Covering for Them
SAINT PETER— Rapists across the country are silently celebrating that members of the online community are continuing to stand up on behalf of them for their rights. The nation’s convicted sexual assault […]
Overeager Caucus Voters Propel Bernie Sanders to Student Senate Co-Presidency
SAINT PETER— Due to confusion regarding the nearby dates of the 2016 Minnesota Presidential Caucus and the Gustavus Student Senate Co-President Election, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) has been elected to the highest […]
Republican Party Yearns for Good Old Days Of Insane Man Conversing With Chair
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Emotionally insisting that they missed how things used to be, tearful Republican Party officials told reporters late on Wednesday that they yearned for a return to the good old days […]
-348 Degree Windchill Creates 5th State of Matter
SAINT PETER— Announcing their findings as a polar vortex descends on the Midwest, physicists revealed late on Saturday that the weather pattern’s blisteringly cold windchills have created a fifth state of matter. […]
Steve Kjellgren Named Minnesota Poet Laureate
ST. PAUL— Following the publication of his first anthology of poetry, The Steve Sampler, Gustavus Dining Service Director Steve Kjellgren has been named Minnesota’s 2015 Poet Laureate. At a private reception in […]
The Fourth Crown 