WASHINGTON, D.C—Over 200 federal and military officials attended a gala at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. this past weekend to celebrate staying out of Iraq for three whole years. The lengthy […]
THE UNITED STATES- Following the loss of the United States men’s national team to Belgium in Tuesday’s FIFA match, sports enthusiasts across the country have celebrated the fact that they can finally […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Following Monday’s Supreme Court ruling in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, Vice President Joe Biden was overheard by neighbors asking his parents for $60 “just this one time.” The reports follow the […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.– New studies released this week reveal that corporations across the United States have undergone spiritual enlightenment and declared their true allegiance to Christ our Lord. These research findings indicate Christ’s […]
WASHINGTON—Nearly a month after the return of Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl from the Taliban in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees, President Barack Obama has issued dozens of diplomatic invitations for the First Annual […]
ST. PAUL- Shortly following the issuance of a state of flood emergency over 35 counties in Minnesota, Governor Mark Dayton held a press conference in which he announced that a flooded Minnesota […]
SAINT PETER—With Gustavus’ annual celebration of inebriation of Senior Week well underway, unrest has erupted in the St. Peter retirement community. While the weeklong event is intended to provide the year’s graduating […]
SAINT PETER- After an illustrious 30 years of public accessibility, the World Wide Web has crashed following the upload of an insurmountable quantity of photos of blonde, college-aged women posing in front […]
NEW YORK—In a press statement released Friday afternoon, the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) recognized Gustavus Adolphus College’s Lund Athletic Center as a World Heritage Site. The addition of […]
SAINT PETER—Sensing weakness in the ever-transparent Gustavus Adolphus College, King Gustav II Adolf of Sweden has initiated an aggressive siege, fully equipped with cutting edge military technology (by 17th century standards). “The Golden […]
The Fourth Crown 