UNITED STATES OF AMERICA— Well, the results are in and the finalists have been chosen for the uniforms for the next American Civil War. It was a tight race with heated opinions […]

SAINT PETER, MN- In a proactive email, the Gustavus administration informed the community of a bias incident that will undoubtedly occur late Tuesday or early Wednesday. The administration is unclear as to […]

ST PETER MN- We have been getting quite a few complaints from a Gustie named Felicia about how our articles are not, “aesthetically pleasing enough.” Since we all literally live under that […]

MOTHER RUSSIA— Привет, я русский бот, который контролирует вашу жизнь. Я взял ваш колледж, ваше правительство и ваше свободное время с моими глупыми статьями. Что вы можете с этим поделать? Вы могли […]

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Sources reported that opinionated billionaire Donald Trump dressed up as the President of the United States to celebrate Halloween. He wore a little U.S. flag button on his over-sized suit […]

Washington- In light of recent acts of mass violence witnessed across the nation,  President Trump has suggested that everyone should just go ahead and hire some personal armed guards. He was quoted […]

As the sun sets and the darkness rises, so do many male appendages. It’s the freakin weekend bitches! Which means one thing: time to get down and dirty. However, no matter how […]

Aries (March 20-April 19): Look, Aries, no one has had a great 2018. In all, the year has been trash from beginning to end. We’ve all been so distracted by the news […]

St. Peter, MN- You have gathered from the various emails sent out by school officials that your favorite CF is about to host one of those pointless “Community” meetings where your CF […]

SAINT PETER, MN- It was reported earlier this week that Sophomore Spencer Theeson, a pre-med student, wrote a prescription to his roommate Thomas Fuller for two cans of Red Bull, allowing Fuller […]