BY THE NUMBERS: 60%: Pre-Gustie Couples rate of singlehood among Gusties. 0.03%: Current rate of singlehood among Gusties. 3: Number of pornographic videos streamed since Gustie Couples went live; a 99% decrease. 11: Number of times […]
SAINT PETER- Amidst the excitement of hiring the next president of Gustavus, an important new addition to the Department of Campus Safety has gone largely unnoticed by the student body. Kurg, a […]
SAINT PETER—The Spanish Department is in disarray following the announcement by Theresa Gonzalez, Director for Cultural Education, that the school’s Spanish program will be replaced by a new curriculum of Klingon. Klingon […]
BREAKING—Tensions are running high following an open letter to the Building Bridges committee from Gustavus’ very own bridge building club, the Sawdustin’ Gusties. The carpentry club, which mainly focuses on building elevated […]
SAINT PETER—As the dawn of a new ice age looms, Gustavus Adolphus College officials have suspended on-campus parking for the next 30,000 years, the projected end of this winter. Campus Safety is […]
SAINT PETER– After Sunday’s rollout of the popular Facebook page “Gustie Couples,” the Gustavus campus has experienced a veritable social revolution as new couples find themselves compelled to enter into committed, exclusive […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In one of the largest youth sit-ins in recent memory, first-year Sean Joseph was nearly arrested at the Keystone XL protest for mistakenly standing out against the Colorado-based beer brand, Keystone […]
SAINT PETER—In what officials are calling “perhaps the biggest, yet most unchangeable mistake in school history,” Matthew Timmons and Hayden Goldstein were named the next co-presidents of Gustavus Adolphus College. Former candidate […]
COMMENTARY By The Three Crowns Curriculum Executive Board Though the details have yet to be finalized, The Three Crowns Executive Board is excited to announce a name change for the program beginning […]
SAINT PETER- After his two-day visit to campus last week, top Presidential Candidate Joel Hackl has fallen under new scrutiny regarding his visual similarities to current college president Jack Ohle. Dr. Hackl […]
